How to learn to manage your emotional state. How easy it is to learn to control yourself and your emotions

There is a huge potential in the mood of a person, with the help of which he can control life! We reveal the secrets of how to manage emotions!

The importance of emotions in human life!

Movement at all levels of the Universe is carried out with the help of energy. This is the engine of evolution, due to it new galaxies and stars are born, due to it life arises.

The energy of a person is the emotions¹ that he experiences. The power of emotions is enormous. It was the enthusiasm and desire for development that allowed human civilization to develop; Every person acts according to their emotional state.

Emotions are the keys to managing life. If you do not know how to manage emotions, a person becomes their slave, in this case, emotions become a source of negativity.

Any instrument needs to be managed, and the situation with emotions confirms this.

Moreover, emotions are what controls reality. Experiments with intention, concentration of attention in the field of quantum physics confirm the texts of the ancient sages, when energy quanta moved where the attention of a person was directed!

By consciously using your emotions and thoughts², you can dramatically improve your life!

Simple tricks that will allow you to manage your emotions!

This article describes a few simple tricks, using which you will learn how to manage your emotions (internal energies).

Thanks to them, you can become a balanced and self-confident person. Thanks to these useful tips, managing life and circumstances will be within your power, you will not be a slave to your mood.

1. Development of awareness

Many have heard of situations where, due to some seemingly trifling, small problem, a person began to behave inappropriately, and this led to serious complications: the loss of a significant amount of money, damage to property, murder or other crimes.

When a person is upset, in anger, his thoughts and actions become uncontrollable, which leads to bad consequences.

How to reverse this process? It turns out that it is quite easy to learn how to control them. Before an uncontrolled jerk in a potentially dangerous situation, you need to think about whether it is worth doing it: how justified are such actions? Wouldn't it be even worse later?

Usually, such thoughts immediately cool a hot head, calm and stop the course of negative emotions, which gives time to make a more adequate decision.

2. Calculating the situation

It is useful to try to comprehend the course of the situation in advance. Why make these mistakes and exacerbate things if it could eventually backfire?

It is much more profitable to take a sober look at what is happening and look for the answer to the question: “What act will be more profitable for me now and in the long term?”

People feel great when someone knows how to control himself: it means he is confident in himself and controls the situation. These people are drawn to!

3. Choice of social circle

This is of great importance. From the point of view of energy exchange, a person exchanges energies with close people and friends most densely, because he trusts them. Very often, people from the same social circle for this reason are somewhat similar.

So you need to pay close attention to who you communicate with: if friends are bad, do bad things, drink, smoke or even take drugs, then it’s better to get rid of them: nothing good can be expected from them in the future.

You need to choose friends consciously so that they are people who can make a person more perfect.

4. Thinking "Good, Bad"

Thinking "Good, bad" helps to manage emotions very well. It is based on a premonition of future events. Without a doubt, every person has it, it's just that in most cases people prefer not to listen to internal prompts. Thanks to this ability, many problems can be avoided!

The essence of this thinking:

if there is a feeling inside that further action is beneficial, then you can safely continue;
if the premonition inside is “bad”, then you need to say “no” to yourself and not do something that you can later regret.

Usually people prefer to act on the "maybe": they say, what if everything will be fine! Experience shows that in most situations, ignoring internal cues leads to the worst. You need to pay attention to this.

It is not easy to overcome the barriers of mutual understanding that arise in various situations of communication. To do this, you need to be well versed in the nuances of human psychology, including your own. Much easier is not to create these barriers yourself. In order not to be the main obstacle to understanding with others, a person needs to know the psychological rules of communication, and above all, learn to manage their emotions, which most often become a source of interpersonal conflicts.

The value of emotions in human life

For each person, mutual understanding with relatives, friends, colleagues, and indeed with the outside world is important. However, even the closest people have their own special beliefs, character, mood. These differences create barriers to understanding and provoke conflicts in various situations of communication.

Anger, resentment, quarreling - these negative manifestations steal positive investments from the emotional account of trust and can completely devastate it. Uncontrolled emotions can induce a person in the heat of the moment to say too much, to break firewood. Thinking about it, he realizes that he got excited in vain, first he should have weighed everything. Therefore, it is necessary to study the psychological rules of communication, and above all, learn to manage your emotions, which most often become a source of interpersonal conflicts.

Controlling emotions is not about suppressing them. The release of emotions is necessary for a person. It has been proven that the inability to express feelings negatively affects mental and physical health. Old grievances, hidden anger, unshed tears are the psychosomatic causes of many diseases. If a person seeks to maintain external calm at all costs, he runs the risk of becoming seriously ill.

Emotions are an essential mechanism for the body to instantly respond to stress. Fright gives energy to flee from danger; rage activates the muscles and turns off fear; anger sweeps away all obstacles in the way. Under the influence of emotions, there is an instant mobilization of forces, while the mind cannot influence physiological processes to such an extent.

Emotions must be intelligently managed when it is not about survival, but about everyday communication, when violent feelings or apathy interfere with mutual understanding. If you experience uncontrollable feelings from time to time: anger, irritation, resentment, guilt, anxiety, and you wanted to get rid of these destructive emotions, learn to manage your emotional state, master the practical skills of quick recovery and maintaining inner peace of mind in any life situations.

It should be noted that a common distinguishing feature of the character of centenarians is the ability to find joy in life's little things. This psychological type is characterized by benevolence and lack of hostility to the outside world. Also, a significant advantage of the ability to manage experiences is success in life. Psychologists call the ability of a person to understand and control their emotions, as well as the emotions of others, emotional intelligence (EI). A person with a high level of EI is more likely to become a big businessman, a top manager, an effective politician, since his behavior is more adaptive, which means that he more easily achieves his goals in interaction with others.

Types of emotions

Depending on the intensity, the following types of emotions are distinguished:

sthenic(from Greek - strength): excite, motivate to vigorous activity (joy, enthusiasm, passion, anger ...). Accompanied by intense action, rapid change in state and a large waste of personal resources.
asthenic(from Greek - impotence): they slow down, relax, calm or paralyze activity (pain, melancholy, sadness ...). They lead to a decrease in activity, a decrease in the waste of resources and transfer to a state of rest, balance.

Depending on the content, emotions can be of the following types:

negative(negative): occur when the condition worsens (sadness, anger ...). Motivate the system to perform actions to restore the initial state;
neutral: occur with a prolonged absence of a change in state (boredom, apathy ...);
positive(positive): arise when the state improves (joy, happiness ...). They are a supporting factor that motivates the system all the way to the goal until it is achieved.

Depending on the state change, there are the following types of emotions:

useful: lead to an improvement in the state of the system. In some situations, these can be positive emotions (for example, when you reach a goal), and in others, they can be negative (when an obstacle or danger has arisen).
harmful: lead to deterioration.

Depending on the degree of influence on activity, the following types of emotions are distinguished:

simple (basic): are based on one experience (hunger, thirst, danger…). Associated with lower needs (physiological, safety…).
complex (complex): include several emotions (possibly conflicting) when interacting with a complex system. Associated with higher needs (for communication, self-realization, respect, recognition…).

Depending on the value of the experience, emotions can be of the following types (according to B.I. Dodonova):

altruistic: arise when helping other systems, supporting them, assisting them in solving problems and achieving goals;
communicative: when communicating, interacting, exchanging resources;
gloric: when receiving fame, recognition, fame;
practical: when achieving success, solving a problem, meeting a need;
romantic: when perceiving something unknown, unusual, secret, secret;
glostic: when understanding the meaning of something, learning new things, truth, clarifying knowledge, thoughts, ideas, their systematization;
aesthetic: when perceiving something beautiful, majestic, sublime, graceful;
hedonic: with the perception of comfort, coziness, peace, reliable, stable, safe environment;
active: when collecting something, replenishing the collection, contemplating it;
mobilization: when overcoming danger, struggle, risk, passion, in extreme situations when active use of physical and intellectual abilities is required.

Is it necessary to control emotions?

You probably know that all people are divided into psychotypes. And, if, for example, extroverts instantly bring down their emotions on another person, acting absolutely thoughtlessly and often to their own detriment, then introverts remain a closed book, hiding all feelings inside. Often people are not even willing to learn how to manage anger, or pacify envy, or control anger, or extinguish anxiety, attributing everything to: “Humble up! That's my character!" Naturally, it is much easier to blame innate data for your problems and difficulties. But don't underestimate the destructive power of negative feelings.

Psychologists have long described what their danger to humans is:

From simple excitement to a state of affect is not such a long way as it might seem to you at first glance. Just think, you got angry at your husband, who once again threw his socks not in the dirty laundry basket, but under the bed. They wound themselves up and ran to sort things out. And the husband instead of the standard: “Sorry!” grumbled something like: “Take it and put it away yourself, they don’t bother me.” It’s good if everything turns into a banal quarrel, and does not end in crime. Most domestic crimes occur because of the little things.
The inability to control emotions will lead to problems with others. Even if your parents, friends, husband / wife, colleagues love you very much, sooner or later they will get tired of your imbalance, which means you risk being left alone.
If you could not immediately cope with a negative emotion and carried it with you for some time, then it left its mark. With each new negative, the trail will begin to increase, and soon you will be surrounded by negative energy, and this muck, as you know, has not brought anything good to anyone yet.
The inability to control emotions is one of the signs of a person's mental disorders. Yes, yes, as scary as it sounds. It's one thing if you flare up once, but it's quite another if any little thing provokes you to a surge. In this case, it is better to see a specialist.
Bosses are afraid of people who express their feelings too violently, not only negative, but also positive. No one will entrust the management of a company or the maintenance of an important contract to an unbalanced type, which means that you can forget about a good career.

How to control emotions?

Watch your face. Keep a calm face.

The most important “recipe” is so simple that it even annoys many: “To remove an unnecessary emotion, just remove the wrong face. Fix your eyes and lips. The main thing is to do it right away, while the emotion has not yet unfolded. If you know how to do this, the intensity of emotions will immediately subside. If this is difficult for you, train the skill of calm presence.

Developing the skill of calm presence is one of the easiest and most effective ways to manage emotions. Indians know how to control their emotions because they know how to keep a calm face. The training of recruits in the army begins with the stand "Attention!" and numerous other procedures and rituals aimed, among other things, at mastering a calm presence. Recruits are ordinary children, it is natural for them to grimace and rattle, so they tend to be afraid, offended and upset. The army teaches them to keep a calm face and through this - to manage their emotions, to be able to maintain self-control and fortitude in the most difficult and responsible situations.

Watch your breath

Changing the strength and rhythm of breathing almost instantly changes the emotional state. If you need to calm down, begin to take a calm breath in and out. When you need to raise energy, it is enough to do energizing exercises. Someone arranges a mini-workout from karate, someone uses special yoga exercises - the essence is the same everywhere: these exercises are accompanied by strong sharp exhalations.

Manage your thoughts

Our thoughts direct our attention. If we pay attention to the bright sides of life, we trigger positive states. If attention is riveted to real or possible troubles with the help of thoughts, then negative arises more often. At the same time, wisdom does not consist in not seeing the difficulties of life, but in treating them constructively: removing the position of the victim and turning problems into tasks.

If negative thoughts go around in circles, they need to be stopped. How? It is best to switch to other, more positive thoughts, and doing this out loud is best for reliability. Talk to yourself out loud - yes, it is sometimes necessary. Other options are to switch yourself to bright, positive pictures - to imagine a rainbow, beautiful flowers ... As a rule, this helps women and children well.

Manage emotions at the level of imagination

The possibilities of our imagination open up a truly large field for action in the field of emotional living. There are many techniques for working with images, such as:

Arrow Catcher Technique

Imagine that catchy remarks, phrases addressed to you are arrows that come from the interlocutor. But you have the advantage of having an invisible back that tends to delay them and let through only the data that is important for position control. However, be careful not to omit information that is critical to making a decision on the issue.

Technique "Second pair of eyes"

Using this technique, you seem to be divided in two and begin to see yourself from the side. Let the events unfolding around you take their course. At the same time, direct part of your attention to observing yourself. Try to understand your reactions, watch what causes them and how they develop. Your inner observer must be impartial and critical. Remember that you need to notice your current actions, states, and correct them in the process. For example: “Conversation with an employee is difficult. I feel like I'm starting to raise my voice, my breathing is getting faster. So, you need to slow down and bring your breathing back to normal. Okay, it's all right now."

Manage emotions on the outer level

Sometimes feelings are so strong that a person needs not only an internal resource, but also an external one to live them. In this case, you can crumple or cut sheets of paper into small pieces. If this is not possible due to certain circumstances, start drawing scribbles in a notebook, pressing hard on the rod or stylus. It can also be effective if you do something nice for yourself: drink a cup of delicious coffee / tea, look at pictures of your loved ones, turn on a pleasant melody.

As a preventive work at the level of emotion management, the following measures can be used:

exercise regularly, visit a massage therapist, do yoga, breathing practices, or any other activity that will meet your emotional needs;
before the start of each working day or the upcoming difficult conversation, draw in your head the perfect picture of this, tuning in a positive way;
create comfortable working conditions for yourself. Even if you don’t have a personal office, you can create coziness on your desktop: put a framed photo of a dear person or beloved pet, pick up stationery that will make work more enjoyable, choose a mug from which you will be pleased to drink tea / coffee , attach a sticker with an encouraging inscription to the monitor.

So, here are the basic skills that will help you better manage your condition and emotions:

the ability to divert attention from unnecessary things and direct it to what you want at the moment. This skill will help you switch from negative to positive emotions;
training your facial expressions and facial expressions. As well as tracking the position of the body, your gestures and the sound of your voice;
correct breathing. The ability to adjust calm and even breathing. Deep breathing relieves irritation and tension throughout the body;
controlling your imagination. Learn to immerse yourself in the fantasies and images you create in the moment. This will give you the ability to easily adjust or disconnect from circumstances or situations.

You can also turn to professionals who will teach you special techniques and methods for managing emotions. This will be more effective and will give results faster than self-study. If this is not possible, read books on this topic or watch video tutorials on the Internet. Remember, the one who can control his emotions is the master of the situation.

Almost every person on Earth dreams of learning how to influence the emotions of other people and find a variety of approaches to communication. However, before you can achieve this, you need to learn how to manage your own emotions, since it is this skill that will allow you to influence other people. Know yourself first and only then begin to study other people.

A person experiences emotions every second of his existence, so the one who knows how to manage them achieves a lot. They can be conditionally divided into three types: beneficial, neutral, destructive.

We will consider beneficial and neutral emotions in later lessons, but in this one we will focus entirely on destructive ones, because it is they that need to be learned to manage in the first place.

Why are destructive emotions so defined? Here is just a short list of how negative emotions can affect your life:

They undermine your health: heart disease, diabetes, stomach ulcers, and even tooth decay. As technology advances, scientists and physicians add to this list. There is a possibility that negative emotions become one of the causes of the overwhelming number of diseases, or at least prevent a speedy recovery.
They undermine your psychological health: depression, chronic stress, self-doubt.
They affect your communication with other people: those around you, loved ones and employees suffer from negative behavior. And, ironically, it is on loved ones that we break down most often.
They prevent success: destructive emotions completely atrophy our ability to think. And if anger can pass within a few hours, then anxiety and depression prevent clear thinking for weeks and months.
They narrow the focus: in a depressed or affective state, a person is unable to see the big picture and cannot make the right decisions, as he is too limited in the number of options.

There is a popular point of view: negative emotions should not be suppressed. This is a very controversial question and a full answer to it has not yet been found. Someone says that holding back such emotions leads to the fact that they penetrate into the subconscious and affect the body in a sad way. Other people claim that the inability to restrain them loosens the nervous system. If we imagine our emotions in the form of a pendulum, then in this way we swing it more strongly.

In this regard, in our course we will approach this issue with extreme caution and for the most part we will talk about how to prevent the onset of destructive emotion. This approach is much more effective and will allow you to prevent negative states from entering your life.

Before getting acquainted with the most destructive emotions, it is impossible to ignore the so-called reactionary thoughts.

reactionary thoughts

Most of the emotions we experience are the result of some kind of stimulus. It can be a certain person, a situation, an image, the behavior of other people, their own psychological state. All this can be an irritant for you, that is, something that invades your personal comfort and makes you feel uncomfortable. To get rid of this state, we react (usually in a negative way) to it in the hope that it will disappear. However, this strategy almost never works.

The fact is that any irritation swings the pendulum of your emotions and the emotions of another person. Your annoyed response leads to annoyance of the interlocutor, which in turn causes him to “up the stakes”. In this situation, someone must show wisdom and extinguish passions, otherwise everything will get out of control.

By the way, we will return to the image of the pendulum more than once in our lessons, because this is an excellent metaphor for indicating that emotions have the peculiarity of increasing their intensity.

When we experience a stimulus, reactionary thoughts run through our heads, whether we are aware of them or not. It is these thoughts that prompt us to escalate the conflict and lose our temper. To train yourself not to react instinctively, learn one simple rule: there is a small gap between the action of the stimulus and the reaction to it, during which you can tune in to the correct perception of the situation. Practice this exercise every day. Whenever you feel hooked on a word or situation, remember that you can choose how to respond to it. It requires discipline, self-control and awareness. If you train yourself not to give in to reactionary thoughts (usually generalizations or feelings of resentment), you will notice what advantages this brings.

Most Destructive Emotions

There are emotions that cause irreparable harm to the health and reputation of a person, they can destroy everything that he has built over the years and make his life a living hell.

We will immediately agree with you that sometimes a character trait can be an emotion, so we will also consider these cases. For example, conflict is a character trait, but it is also a special emotional state in which a person experiences a craving for receiving emotions of high intensity. It is an addiction to the collision of two emotional worlds.

Or, for example, the desire to criticize others. This is also a character trait, but from a purely emotional point of view, this is the desire to raise one's self-esteem by pointing out the mistakes of others, which indicates the need to change the negative valence of one's emotions to a positive one. Therefore, if you wish, call this list "The Most Destructive Emotions, Feelings and Conditions."

Anger and rage

Anger is a negatively colored affect directed against experienced injustice and accompanied by a desire to eliminate it.

Rage is an extreme form of anger in which a person's adrenaline levels rise, accompanied by a desire to inflict physical pain on the offender.

Despite the fact that anger and rage have differences in intensity and duration of manifestation, we will consider these emotions as one. The complete chain looks like this:

Prolonged, aching irritation - anger - anger - rage.

Why is there no hatred in this chain, which contributes to the appearance of rage? The fact is that it is already included in anger and rage, along with antipathy, disgust, a sense of injustice, so we use it in combination.

A person cannot instantly experience anger or rage, he must bring himself to this. First, irritants of varying intensity appear and the person becomes irritated and nervous. After a while, anger builds up. A prolonged state of anger causes anger, which in turn can result in the manifestation of rage.

If we talk about evolutionary theory, the source of anger is a fight-or-flight response, so the trigger of anger is a sense of danger, even if imaginary. An angry person may consider dangerous not only a physical threat, but even a blow to self-esteem or self-esteem.

Anger and rage are the worst things to control. It is also one of the most seductive emotions: a person engages in justifying internal dialogue and fills his mind with convincing arguments to vent his anger. There is a point of view that anger does not need to be contained, because it cannot be controlled. The opposite view says that anger can be completely prevented. How to do it?

One of the most powerful ways to do this is to destroy the very beliefs that feed it. The longer we think about what angered us, the more “good reasons” we can come up with. Reflections in this case (no matter how over-emotional they may be) only add fuel to the fire. To extinguish the flame of anger, you should once again describe the situation to yourself from a positive point of view.

The next way to curb anger is to seize those destructive thoughts and doubt their correctness, since it is the initial assessment of the situation that supports the first outburst of anger. This reaction can be stopped if reassuring information is received before the person begins to act out of anger.

Some psychologists advise to blow off steam and not hold back anger, experiencing the so-called catharsis. However, practice shows that such a strategy does not lead to anything good and anger flares up again and again with enviable regularity, causing irreparable harm to a person’s health and reputation.

To cool passions in the physiological sense, the release of adrenaline is waited out in an environment where, most likely, there will be no additional mechanisms for inciting anger. Walking or entertainment can help with this, if possible. This method will stop the growth of hostility, since it is purely physically impossible to get angry and angry when you are having a good time. The trick is to cool down the anger to the point where the person is capable have fun.

A very effective way to get rid of anger is to exercise. After a strong physical stress, the body returns to the level of low activation. Different ones give an excellent effect: meditation, muscle relaxation, deep breathing. They also change the physiology of the body, putting it into a state of reduced arousal.

At the same time, it is important to be conscious, to notice the growing irritation and destructive thoughts in time. Write them down on a piece of paper and analyze. One of two things is possible: either you find a positive solution, or at least stop scrolling the same thoughts in a circle. Evaluate your thoughts from a position of logic and common sense.

Remember that no method will work if you cannot interrupt the flow of annoying thoughts. Literally tell yourself not to think about it and switch your attention. It is you who directs your attention, which is a sign of a conscious person who is able to control his psyche.

Anxiety

Anxiety is of two types:

Inflating their molehills. A person clings to one thought and develops it to a universal scale.
Repeating the same idea over and over. In this case, the person takes no action to solve the problem and instead repeats the thought over and over again.

There is no problem if you think carefully about the problem from all sides, generate several solutions, and then choose the best one. From an emotional point of view, this is called preoccupation. However, when you catch yourself returning to a thought over and over again, it doesn't get you any closer to solving the problem. You become anxious and do nothing to get out of this state and remove anxiety.

The nature of anxiety is amazing: it seems to appear out of nowhere, creates a constant noise in the head, is uncontrollable and torments a person for a long time. Such chronic anxiety cannot last forever, so it mutates and takes on other forms - fear attacks, stress, neuroses, and panic attacks. There are so many obsessive thoughts in the head that it leads to insomnia.

Worry, by its very nature, directs a person's thoughts into the past (mistakes and failures) and the future (uncertainty and catastrophic pictures). At the same time, a person shows creativity only to create terrifying pictures, and not to search for solutions to possible problems.

The best way to deal with anxiety is to stay in the present moment. Returning to the past is constructive, finding out the causes of mistakes and realizing how to avoid them in the future. It is worth thinking about the future only at the moments when you consciously set aside time for this: clarify goals and priorities, outline a plan and procedure for action. You only need to live one day in the most efficient way and not think about anything else.

By practicing meditation and becoming more aware, you will learn to catch the first signs of intrusive thoughts and eradicate them. You will also be able to notice which images, objects, and sensations trigger the anxiety mechanism. The sooner you notice anxiety, the easier it will be for you to stop it. It is necessary to fight back thoughts decisively, and not sluggishly, as most people do.

Ask yourself a few questions:

What is the probability that the event that scares you will actually happen?
Is there only one scenario?
Is there an alternative?
Is it possible to take constructive steps?
Is there any point in chewing the same thoughts over and over again?

These are the right questions that will allow you to reflect on what is happening in the moment and bring conscious attention to your thoughts.

Relax as much as possible and often. It is impossible to worry and relax at the same time, either one or the other wins. Study and after a while you will be surprised to notice that for several days you have not felt disturbing thoughts.

The great psychologist Dale Carnegie in his book "" provides many techniques that allow you to cope with this unpleasant habit. We bring you the top ten and recommend reading this book in its entirety:

Sometimes anxiety is not born out of the blue, but has a logical basis. If something bad happened (or could happen) to you, use the three-step structure:

Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that could happen to me?"
Come to terms with the worst.
Calmly think about how you can improve the situation. In this case, it cannot be worse, which means that psychologically you get the opportunity to get more than you originally expected.

Remember that people who can't handle anxiety die young. Anxiety causes a severe blow to the body and can lead to psychosomatic illnesses.
Practice occupational therapy. The most dangerous time for a person is the hours after work, when, it would seem, is the time to relax and start enjoying life. Load yourself with activities, find a hobby, clean the house, fix the shed.
Remember the Law of Large Numbers. What is the probability that the event you are worried about will happen? According to the Law of Large Numbers, this probability is negligible.
Show interest in other people. When a person is sincerely interested in others, he ceases to concentrate on his thoughts. Try to do something selfless every day.
Don't expect gratitude. Do what you must and what your heart tells you to do, and do not expect your efforts to be rewarded. This will save you from a lot of unpleasant emotions and complaining about other people.
If you get a lemon, make lemonade out of it. Carnegie quotes William Bulito: “The most important thing in life is not to make the most of your successes. Every fool is capable of it. What really matters is the ability to take advantage of losses. It takes a mind; that is the difference between a smart man and a fool.”
Don't let trifles overwhelm you. Many people go through great hardships with their heads held high, and then drive themselves to madness by lamenting over trifles.
Rest during the day. Sleep if possible. If not, just sit or lie down with your eyes closed. Fatigue gradually and imperceptibly accumulates throughout the day and if it is not removed, it can lead to a nervous breakdown.
Don't cut sawdust. The past is in the past and there is nothing you can do about it. You can fix the situation in the present or the future, but there is no point in worrying about what has already happened.

Feelings of resentment and self-pity

These two emotions lead to, which leads to many devastating consequences. A person stops developing, because other people are to blame for his troubles and feels worthless, pitying himself.

Resentment is an indicator that a person has too many pain points that other people put pressure on. The difficulty is that recognizing this problem can be quite difficult, especially if touchiness has passed into a chronic stage.

Feelings of resentment arise:

when a person we know behaved completely differently than we expected. Often this is an unintentional action or behavior that we think is intentional;
when a person we know deliberately insulted us by abuse or humiliation (usually in public);
when we are insulted by a stranger

Howbeit, we only get offended when we think we've been offended. In other words, everything depends entirely on our perception. There are people who are not offended when they are even insulted in public. What are the benefits of such a mindset?

They don't let their emotions get out of hand and lose face.
The offender is so surprised that there was no response to his insult that he is in frustration and confusion.
The focus of the audience's attention instantly shifts from him to the person who tried to offend him.
The audience, instead of gloating or pitying the "offended", finally takes his side, because all people subconsciously respect those who do not lose face in a stressful situation.

In a word, when you do not react to words that were thrown in order to offend, you get a huge advantage. This causes respect not only among the audience, but even from the side of the offender. This approach is proactive, keeps you healthy, and puts you in control of your emotions.

We considered the situation of insult in public, then what to do in the case when a loved one behaved differently than we expected? The following thoughts will help you:

“Perhaps he did not want to act like this or did not suspect that he could hurt me with his actions or words.”
“He understands that he let me down, but a sense of pride does not allow him to admit his mistake. I'll be wiser and let him save face. In time, he will apologize.
“I expect too much from him. If he did so, then I did not explain to him correctly enough that my feelings could be hurt by such behavior.

It is also worth separating a specific situation with resentment and chronic resentment. In the second case, everything is much more complicated, but with proper work on yourself, you can get rid of it.

The first step in overcoming resentment is recognizing the problem. Indeed, if you understand that your resentment hurts only you in the first place, this will be a good starting point in solving the problem.

The second step is to think about why the person wants to offend you. Note, I didn’t offend, but I wanted to offend. This key difference in thinking allows you to move beyond your inner feelings and direct your perceptions to reflect on the other person's motives.

Remember that you can only be offended when you yourself think that you have been offended. It does not mean being indifferent to a person or situation. This means analyzing the situation with a cool head and finding out why the person behaved the way they did. And if you come to the conclusion that you no longer want the presence of a person in your life, this is your right. But until then, try to find out what exactly influenced his behavior and words. Curiosity in this situation is the strongest way to distract yourself.

Painful timidity

Many people love timid people, seeing them as modest, reserved, and even-tempered. In literature, we can also find laudatory odes dedicated to such personalities. But is it really that simple?

Shyness (timidity, shyness) is a state of mind, the main features of which are timidity, indecision, stiffness, tension and awkwardness in society due to lack of social skills or self-doubt. In this regard, we can conclude that such people are quite comfortable for any company, because all other people look confident against their background. Therefore, they are loved: they give a sense of significance to everyone around.

How can shyness be eradicated? The answer most likely lies in self-confidence. If you are confident in your abilities, then your movements are precise, your words are clear, and your thoughts are clear. There is a so-called "confidence/competence loop". You become competent in some kind of activity, you notice that you can cope with the task, and thanks to this, you increase your self-confidence. And as your self-confidence increases, you increase your competence.

One of the satellites of timidity is the fear of the near future. Therefore, the best way to overcome shyness is to get out of your comfort zone. If you do what you are afraid of several dozen times a day, then after just a week (or even almost immediately) you begin to feel self-confidence and an incredible surge of strength. Fear fades in the light of knowledge. It turns out that no one ate you when you expressed an unpopular opinion and you are still alive asking for help.

Inactivity turns into activity. You probably know that inertia also works in psychology, so as soon as you start to overcome the psychological and physical threshold, your fear will begin to go away. The chain "thought - intention - planning - action" after a while becomes almost automatic and you do not even think about fear or possible defeat. Since failure and defeat are sure to await you, you need to accustom yourself to this. Think in advance how you will behave in case of failure, so as not to remain in a state of discouragement. After some time, you will act impromptu, but in the early stages it is better to prepare yourself psychologically.

Pride / pride

We combined these two opposite emotions for one reason: in most cases, people who experience pride believe that it is pride. Pride is crooked pride.

Why does the person experience this emotion? It is about reluctance to infringe on one's own ego. A proud person will not apologize, even if he subconsciously understands that he is guilty.

While pride is a manifestation of the inner dignity of a person and the ability to protect what is dear to him, pride is a manifestation of disrespect for others, unfair exaltation of oneself, selfishness. A person full of pride will simultaneously experience the following emotions and feelings: resentment, anger, disrespect, sarcasm, arrogance and rejection. All this is accompanied by inflated self-esteem and unwillingness to admit their own mistakes.

Pride is formed under the influence of wrong education. Parents bring up the child in such a way that they praise him, despite the fact that he did nothing good. When a child grows up, he enters society and begins to ascribe to himself all the merits to which he has nothing to do. If he becomes a leader, he criticizes his team for failures and takes successes as his own.

Pride breeds:

Greed
Vanity
Appropriation of someone else's
Touchiness
Egocentrism
Unwillingness to develop (after all, you are already the best)

How to get rid of pride? The difficulty is that its owner will not admit to the last that there is a problem. In this regard, it is easier to recognize in oneself the presence of timidity, irritability, anxiety and other traits that prevent a person from living. While a person full of pride will deny the existence of this quality.

Recognize that sometimes this is true for you too. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses, appreciate the former and get rid of the latter. Respect yourself and other people, celebrate their successes and learn to praise. Dare to be grateful.

The best way to get rid of pride is to develop assertiveness, empathy, and listening skills. We will cover all three of these skills in the next lesson.

Envy

Envy arises in relation to a person who possesses something that the envious person wants to possess, but does not possess. The main difficulty in getting rid of envy is that the envious person finds excuses for himself when he experiences this feeling. He is absolutely sure that the object of his envy has achieved fame, success or material wealth dishonestly or simply did not deserve it.

Perhaps it does not matter in what way a person has achieved some good, since the envious person does not need a reason. He will treat equally badly both the one who received the benefit dishonestly and the one who actually deserved it. Envy is an indicator of the meanness of a person, it corrodes his body and poisons his soul.

When a person experiences envy, he does not think about how to achieve the same success, because at its core, his thinking is destructive and passive. This desire is not to set a goal and achieve it, but simply to take away the good from another person. Perhaps it is this quality that is the hardest to get rid of, because a person experiencing this feeling chokes on anger and hatred. He spends colossal energy on constantly tracking other people's successes and successes.

What about white envy? From a purely psychological point of view, "white envy" does not exist. Rather, it is simply the ability to rejoice in other people's successes and the desire to achieve such heights, which is the behavior of an adequate person. It is the admiration of other people's achievements and become better.

In order to overcome envy, or at least begin to fight it, you first need to realize that there is a problem. Then answer a few questions:

“What difference does it make what and how this person achieved, if I still need to work and study in order to achieve my goals?”
“Does this person’s success affect my future success in a negative way?”
“Yes, this man is lucky. Many people in the world are lucky, this is normal. And it is lucky for those who do not bring up a feeling of envy in their souls. Maybe I should be happy for him?
“Do I want my envy to spoil my appearance and lead to stomach ulcers?”
“Are not great successes achieved by people who sincerely rejoice in the success of others and wish everyone well? Isn't there a large number who loved people and only thanks to this they reached such heights?

Conflict and criticism

It's amazing what irrational creatures people are. We see from our personal experience that the desire to constantly enter into conflicts and criticize others does not bring any advantages, and yet we behave this way again and again.

Conflict is destructive, because the person entering into them consciously and subconsciously considers himself better than others. Will he begin to argue and conflict with those whose opinion he considers at least equal to his opinion? This behavior in the head of this person is justified by the fact that he does not want to be hypocritical, please and utter sugary words. He believes that telling the truth (his truth) is a much more honest behavior than wagging or remaining silent.

Let's look at the problem from the angle of self-development. Is telling the truth and not choosing words a sign of a developed and intelligent person? Does it take a lot of intelligence to say what you think on any occasion? Of course, hypocrisy and flattering is also bad, but this is the other extreme.

Almost any extreme in emotions is fatal. When you lie and flatter, they do not like you, when you come into conflict for any reason and do not know how to keep your mouth shut (or choose the wrong words), they will not want to do business with you either. Find a balance, because success in this world is achieved by flexible people.

Criticism doesn't work either, at least in the long run. Carnegie rightly argued that criticism hurts a person's self-esteem and puts him in the position of being on the defensive. When criticizing, we seem to pull a person out of his comfort zone and demonstrate his shortcomings.

Suppress your reactionary thoughts and desire to react to the stimulus. Again - proceed at least from the one who everyone can criticize and this does not need a lot of intelligence. Learn the art of indirect criticism and get rid of the accusatory tone. This requires self-control, wisdom, observation and. Such criticism gives a person feedback, motivates and gives new strength.

In this lesson, we learned what reactionary thoughts are and how important they are in managing emotions. We also looked at the seven most destructive emotions, figured out why they are considered as such, and found ways to deal with them.

In the next lesson, we will learn the three main skills to improve emotional intelligence - assertiveness, empathy, and listening.

Test your knowledge

If you want to test your knowledge on the topic of this lesson, you can take a short test consisting of several questions. Only 1 option can be correct for each question. After you select one of the options, the system automatically moves on to the next question. The points you receive are affected by the correctness of your answers and the time spent on passing. Please note that the questions are different each time, and the options are shuffled.

Greetings, dear visitors of the site of psychotherapeutic assistance, today, in the self-help section, you will learn How can you manage your emotions and feelings? with a simple cognitive therapy technique

How to learn to manage your emotions

You are presented with the cognitive technique of Socratic self-talk in order to learn to manage your emotions and feelings.

For example, you are angry at your friend for his behavior (this is the emotion of anger), and are already ready for aggressive actions, against yourself if you are an introvert, or against others if you are an extrovert.

How to bounce back and get rid of anger, especially if it is really unreasonable, and how not to become aggressive at the same time?

To find out how to manage emotions, let's understand the cognitive model.

Its essence is: “As I think, so I feel, and as I feel, so I behave (including the physiological reactions of the body)”

That is, our feelings and emotions, and with them behavioral and physiological reactions (blood pressure, rapid or slow breathing, increased sweating, a lump in the throat, reddening of the skin, and so on), directly depend on our thinking, on our interpretation of a traumatic , stressful situation (in our example, the behavior of a friend).

The scheme of the process of cognitive error (error of thinking) is as follows:

Stressful situation - Dysfunctional automatic thought (Autothought) or representation (image) - Emotion (feelings) - Behavior (and / or physiological reactions).

In fact, in order to return to normal well-being, we can break this chain anywhere, for example, by changing the situation: there will be no thoughts about it - there will be no emotions ...

But the situation cannot always be changed, especially since the unfinished situation with autothinking and unprocessed emotion is preserved in the head, in the depths of the psyche, and then manifests itself, for example, in relationships.

The emotion itself, or the behavior associated with it, is difficult to change, especially when you are experiencing it at the moment. Therefore, we will detect and change dysfunctional automatic thoughts (abbreviated as autothoughts).

Let's move on to the practice of using this technique to manage emotions.

So, you are angry… You need to imagine the moment when you started to get angry… what was the situation… what was the friend’s behavior… and ask yourself the question: “What was I thinking then?”

Maybe I thought what a nice friend I have, how attentive he is to me?

Unlikely! Probably, I thought that he does not love me and does not respect me, since he behaves like that? (thoughts are fast, so you need to catch them intuitively)

Well, that thought fits, "He doesn't respect me," so I got pissed off and was ready to nail him down.

Ask yourself the question: “How much do I believe in this idea that my friend does not respect me?” (from 0 to 100%)… say 90% (write down)

How strong, how intense is my emotion of anger? (from 0 to 100%)… let's say 80% (write down).

To do this, we conduct a dialogue with ourselves: we ask and answer ourselves the following questions:

1) What is the evidence supporting this idea?

We write out proofs (arguments) of ten pieces.

For example: He does not respect me, because he did not give me a loan.

And we prove...

2) What is the evidence that contradicts this idea?

Here we find more evidence than in the previous question.

For example: He respects me because….

3) Are there alternative explanations for this idea?

For example: It’s not that he doesn’t respect me, he just had a bad mood ... he didn’t have money ....

4) What's the worst thing that can happen if he doesn't respect me?

For example: we will stop being friends

5) Imagine that this happened and ask yourself: “Will I be able to survive this?”

6) What's the best thing that can happen if he doesn't respect me?

For example: he will respect me.

7) What is the most real thing that can happen if he does not respect me?

For example: we will find out the relationship, and continue the friendship.

8) What are the consequences of my belief in this idea that he does not respect me?

For example: I will accumulate negativity, and we will quarrel.

9) What are the consequences of changing this thought?

For example: I will stop getting angry, accumulate negatives, and I will be able to solve this problem.

10) What should I do about this?

For example: change your attitude (thinking) to a certain situation….

11) What advice would I give to a loved one who is in the same situation?

We write down a large adaptive response, for example: "MY MOOD DOES NOT DEPEND ON OTHERS RESPECT ME." (Later, it can be re-read several times to consolidate the result).

How much % do I now believe in this idea that he does not respect me? For example 30%. (or not at all).

What is the strength (intensity) of my anger? For example: I no longer have anger (or so much).

If you did everything right, then the belief in autothought will decrease or disappear altogether, as will the strength of the emotion, and you will feel better!

Similarly, other emotions and feelings, autothoughts and behaviors can be controlled, including obsessions….

As soon as you feel a change in mood or a manifestation of a negative emotion (feeling), immediately ask yourself: “What did I just think about?”, And find an adaptive response.

If you cannot cope with your negative emotions and feelings on your own, then SIGN UP for an online consultation with a psychologist.

Psychological journal.

admin

Emotions often show up in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and with the wrong intensity. The usual reaction will not always be an adequate response to the situation. It happens that our emotions hurt people. When feelings overwhelm, it interferes with thinking. It happens that rest eliminates excessive emotionality. But a developed personality must be able to . In general, the management of emotions is a matter of education. Educated individuals differ from the ill-bred precisely in this ability to restrain feelings.

Why Control Emotions

To begin with, it is important to understand why control emotions and feelings. We are all divided into psychotypes. Extroverts dump their own emotions on others, they act thoughtlessly, they harm themselves. Introverts are a closed book, they hide their feelings from others.

People sometimes do not want to learn to control anger, eliminate envy, anger, anxiety. They believe that this is a feature of character, and other people can only come to terms with it. Of course, blaming genes for the difficulties is easier than learning to direct emotions in the right direction. Don't underestimate the destructive power of negative feelings. Psychologists explained their danger:

from heightened excitement to a state of affect, the path is short, shorter than you think. It would seem that there is such a thing that you are angry with your husband because of another household trifle and rush. And instead of apologizing, the husband said that you should do everything yourself. It's good if anger turns into a quarrel, and not something more. Many domestic crimes happen on the basis of;
the inability to keep feelings in check will result in a problem with communication. Even if your loved ones love you, then one day, due to aggression and inability to restrain yourself, you will be left alone with yourself;
if you were not able to cope with the negative right away, you carried it in yourself, then it leaves a mark. With each new footprint will grow. Soon you will be surrounded by negativity, and this does not benefit anyone;
the inability to manage emotions is a sign of a mental disorder. Sounds scary. But one situation, if you broke out once, and another - if every little thing causes outbreaks;
Managers tend to avoid hiring people who show too much emotion. No one will entrust a leadership position or a serious contract to a troubled person.

What emotions need to be controlled

If you figure out which emotions you need to control, then it is worth noting that this includes not only negative ones. Everything is much more complicated. It is necessary to work on such feelings that bring problems to you and other people, force you to do what you do not want to. These are those feelings that do not leave freedom of choice, they are destructive, even if they themselves bring pleasure.

In Christianity, there is the concept of 7 sins. Everyone has heard of him. It's not about religiosity or faith in God, but the very provision about these sins corresponds to the list of vices, emotions dangerous for a person, which are important to control.

These include envy, pride, lust. As well as rage, gluttony, despondency and laziness. But let's see what the seriousness of these conditions is. These are the main components that determine behavior, develop into new manifestations. Out of pride, we plot against other individuals who criticize their work. Because of envy, we begin to hate those who have achieved success, and so on.

To this list it is worth adding more humility and boredom. Submission is understood as servility to other, stronger people, fear. All such vices can be collected within the three main components of the world of emotions. These include:

ego. This is a part of any personality that requires attention, recognition, approval of privileges, constant confirmation of dominance over the rest. The ego is a reflection of our existence in society, our expectations from others. How we need to be perceived by others. This is the image that we want to create in the eyes of other people. Ego-manifestations include greed, envy, pride, boasting. It is impossible not to mention narcissism, anger, resentment, vanity, etc. This is a fairly powerful source of experience, almost all of our feelings originate here;
weaknesses. This includes what becomes a consequence of weakness of character, control: despondency, idleness, inaction, humility. It is worth noting servility, inability to be independent, dependence on the judgments of others. Cowardice, anxiety, nervousness, spleen, etc. have a negative effect;
thirst for powerful emotions. It includes desires whose satisfaction will bring us powerful feelings or pleasure on a physical level. This should include incontinence in the fulfillment of natural needs (overeating, lust), as well as dependence on other sources of emotions (alcohol, drugs, smoking, etc.), money as a source of pleasure, powerful feelings, addiction to games, the desire to take part in squabbles and intrigues.

These three components are the main part of our emotional world, or rather the part that needs control. It is important to realize that such a division is not the ultimate truth, and not in all situations you will define some kind of experience within the group. Often a certain emotion is caused immediately by the ego, and weakness, and the desire for experiences. Of course, there is no exact data here. Everything that relates to the personality of a person cannot be strictly divided.

How to learn to manage your emotions

But let's answer the main question "?". So:

if someone pushed you in the transport, trampled on your feet, you were rude in the store, a colleague said something unfriendly, etc. - do not give freedom to the first desire and impulse. Don't jump right into the fight. Count slowly to yourself up to 10. After that, there will be no scandal of desire;
stay away from negative emotions and people. Every time you go to the market for groceries, you come back full of annoyance, because again you had a row with someone. Give up going to the market, buy goods in supermarkets, online stores, ask someone close to do this;
visualize emerging emotions. Picture the resulting anger in your thoughts as a fire, and then imagine that a real waterfall pours on it, not even leaving smoldering firewood. Repeat the task systematically, so you will learn to “extinguish” emotions faster and easier;
pity the one who caused your negative emotions. Pay attention to the boss who constantly angers you. An old, lonely woman, without a husband or children. She clings to her career because she has no one to return home to. Her only way to please herself is to provoke others to anger. So why give her such pleasure?

Get out of conflict the right way. On the bus, a lady pushed you, but did not apologize, but was rude? So what? You will soon get out of the transport and will never meet her, but she will remain a fat, nasty aunt. She can only feel sorry for her.

But even if you learn to manage emotions, then life is such a thing that constantly throws up situations that require high endurance. They are difficult to deal with. In particular, resentment without a reason hurts. Sometimes it's hard to forget about everything. You can get rid of overly obsessive emotions with the help of:

breaking dishes. Buy an inexpensive service and break the elements one by one in the yard or at home. Just be sure to remove the pieces;
games of darts or bowling. Such fun helps to relax and relieve negativity;
dancing. Go to a nightclub with friends and dance until you drop;
screams. Shout while looking at yourself in the mirror when no one is home, shutting yourself in the bathroom. But inform your neighbors about such trainings in advance so that the police are not called;
. Training at home or in a sports club should become a way of life. They are useful not only for the figure, but also in the fight against stress;
a long walk down the street;
burning resentment. Write your own offense on a piece of paper and ritually burn it. The method is as old as the world, but still effective;
change of scenery. Take a trip to another city with friends, or be alone with yourself for the weekend. You will return back in a different frame of mind.

It is difficult to argue with the statement that controlling emotions is much more difficult than throwing them out on others. Of course, you don't have to go to the trouble of venting all the negativity at people for any comment or every annoying little thing. But if in a couple of years you remain a lonely person with a shattered psyche - do not be surprised.

February 5, 2014, 18:09

Categories

Popular