The original horoscope according to the signs of the zodiac. Unexpected sides of the zodiac signs
- Aries (March 21 - April 20): Crazy Level - 30%!
If you go to the mountains with someone, then only with Aries. They are avid extreme sportsmen, besides, they will always give a helping hand to their friend. Aries clearly follow their path and achieve the intended. A lot of plans ripen in their head, which sometimes seem absolutely insane. Their courage and perseverance can only be envied! - Taurus (April 21 - May 21): 40% craziness rate!
Stubbornness is the main feature of this sign. Taurus will bring anyone to white heat: it is so important for them to prove their case. This makes them look slightly strange in the eyes of other people. Taurus is comprehensively developed, they have a good heart and iron willpower.
- Gemini (May 22 - June 21): Madness Level - 100%!
The craziest sign of the zodiac. Geminis are fickle and frivolous, you never know what they have in store for you today. But you will never get bored with them! They have in store a bunch of incredible stories and tales from life. Only the Twins are capable of reaching a completely reckless denouement in their adventures.
- Cancer (June 22 - July 22): 90% crazy rate!
Cancers are notorious for their extreme mood swings. They prefer not to get out of the house, but if they break into a nightclub, beware. It is they who, in a state of intoxication, scribble insane messages to the former. You never know what's on Cancer's mind and it drives you crazy!
- Leo (July 23 - August 21): 80% crazy rate!
Representatives of this sign are used to being the center of attention, they love noisy parties and big companies. Lions get drunk quickly, and this loosens their tongue so much that others in their company often have to blush. These people have no brakes, they do not know how to stop in time.
- Virgo (August 22 - September 23): 70% craziness!
Virgo tirelessly works on herself, striving for perfection in everything. Control and power are her main passions. These people are capable of doing noble deeds, but they expect recognition for it. Their desire to appear ideal in the eyes of people completely takes possession of them.
- Libra (September 24 - October 23): 30% craziness rate!
Libras are obsessed with finding balance in everything. Sometimes they are ready to go to extremes, especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Libra will go to any lengths to get the object of his sigh, even gossip.
- Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): 40% craziness rate!
The statement that Scorpios sting unbearably painfully is true. Of course, they have no equal in resourcefulness and insight, but this still does not brighten up their shortcomings. Scorpio is the most sensual sign of the zodiac, he is a master of beautiful courtship and romantic gestures. His sexual energy is overflowing, so few people manage to cope with this raging stream of passion.
- Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22): 50% craziness level!
Sagittarians proudly carry the banner of justice and truth all their lives. And it is better not to interfere with them! Nothing can anger them so much as the restriction of personal freedom. In addition, Sagittarians easily light up with ideas that sometimes blind their minds.
- Capricorn (December 23 - January 20): 60% crazy rate!
Capricorns are still workaholics! They take on the most difficult tasks on their shoulders and take on their solution with passion. Capricorns are not averse to showing off their intelligence and professionalism. If they are at the head of any business, you should not expect concessions.Capricorns stick to their line, even if they're wrong. This feature extends to personal life: the partner will always be in tight rein. Their madness is to want everything under control.
- Aquarius (January 21 - February 19): 20% craziness rate!
Aquarius is like a crazy professor who is used to living in his illusions. It is very easy to wrap around your finger, and people are used to using it. That is why this zodiac sign often becomes a victim of scammers, and simply those who are looking for easy prey.
- Pisces (February 20 - March 20): Insanity Level - 10%!
Pisces are the least crazy of the other zodiac signs. They are calm and peaceful, you can always rely on them. Pisces are ready to sacrifice their interests just to brighten up someone's loneliness. These character traits make them the most reasonable, wise and empathetic.
Aries is always pleased with himself, which is reflected on his face. He rarely thinks, says and does the same thing. Usually he does everything wrong, but just dare to tell him about it. Then you will regret that you were born into the world. There are legends about the stubbornness of Aries, and not surprisingly, a ram, he is a ram.
If he rests, you can't move him from his place. He always has two opinions on all events and phenomena, one is his, the other is wrong. Aries says that he is never wrong, and therefore he believes that God was most likely an Aries.
In love, Aries are just as stubborn as in everything else. And if he achieves someone's location, then he does this until the object of his passion gets tired of refusing him. And when he achieves the location of a partner, he himself does not know why he needed it.
In the process of the siege (it lasts a very long time), the object loses its attractiveness for him. Those who fall in love with Aries should only be sorry.
In the family, Aries loves to point out, but does not want to do anything. And from such a comfortable position for him, he would never be moved.
Cheerful horoscope for Taurus
Taurus is very stubborn, in this, he is similar to Aries. Only one who will admire Taurus, tell him that he is always right, and, meanwhile, passing off his ideas as the ideas of Taurus, will be able to convince him. Taurus women are very emotional and trusting.
She talks about her love relationships only in superlatives. And, if a man tells her that he cannot live without her, she really believes it.
Taurus men are hoarders and hoarders. They drag into the house, everything that they can get their hands on: old household appliances, broken furniture, a woman they don’t need. And then they wonder why the house is so crowded and noisy (the noise is from a woman who also cannot understand why she was brought here).
Taurus are very fond of various conflicts and gladly take the most ardent part in them, not being interested in the cause of the conflict. And when they find out the reason for the showdown, they beat their chest and say: “Oh my, because of what nonsense they fought!”.
Cheerful horoscope for Gemini
Gemini are two very similar people rolled into one. Since they are very similar, it annoys them and they argue all the time. If one says, “I want this woman,” the other necessarily objects, “What do you need this slut for?” And as a result, the Gemini man chooses another, and then is surprised, “And what did I find in her?”.
Gemini women are contradictory and fickle in their passions. They change men so often that sometimes they don’t even have time to remember the name of the next partner. And in order not to completely get confused in the names of their counterparts, they call everyone the same “my Hercules”, until the next lover turns out to be a short, skinny man.
He, of course, takes such an appeal as a mockery. In everyday life, Gemini is very indecisive. They cannot make the right decision quickly, because one Gemini pulls in one direction, the other - (out of harm) in the other. And it turns out, as in the immortal work of V.I. Lenin "One step forward, two steps back"
Cheerful horoscope for Cancer
Cancers are very cowardly and shy. They are constantly afraid that they will be accused of what, so they try to please everyone and give everyone a bunch of impossible promises. They speak mainly in slogans and stereotypes, so that others do not suspect them of some kind of ulterior motives.
Crayfish lie without blushing (red crayfish are only boiled) and very inventive. Not without reason, among politicians, there are so many Cancers.
In love, Cancers are very careful, meticulously and carefully choose a partner for themselves, even for life, even for the night. Rummaging and sorting out, as in the collapse of second-hand.
And when friends are surprised at such a long search for their beloved (beloved): “What are you choosing a cow for?” Cancers thoughtfully answer: “You can sell a cow, but with this (this) you will have to suffer all your life (night).
At work, Cancers are sycophants and sycophants, their bosses are gods and celestials, but if the opportunity arises (and it will be safe for Cancer), they will gladly set their feet on their beloved boss.
Cheerful horoscope for Leo
The lion is the king of animals in nature. People of the Leo zodiac sign never forget this. They are arrogant, selfish, always confident in their superiority and do not tolerate other people's opinions. You will be Leo's best friend if you constantly flatter him and praise his virtues.
Lions are very fond of hanging their portraits on the walls, and the larger the images, the better.
Lion women, like the females of the "black widow" spider, if they do not destroy their chosen one immediately after the night of love, then they gnaw at him for the rest of their lives, or until the partner has enough patience.
Leo men love only themselves, they are simply not capable of loving someone else. Therefore, they choose for themselves women who know only two words "yes" and "I obey."
Cheerful horoscope for Virgo
If your zodiac sign is Virgo, then your family and friends are terribly unlucky. You are obsessed with order, scrupulousness and cleanliness. Virgos are extremely accurate and methodical. The need to tidy up and restore cleanliness turns into a passion for them. If you get up from an armchair or sofa in Virgo's apartment, she immediately begins to smooth the cape and shake off non-existent dust from it.
If Virgo gets into a small car accident, then the first thing she says to the inspector who came up about the second participant in the accident is: “No wonder this teapot had an accident, look how dirty his car is!”.
A mandatory item in the house of the Virgo is a magnifying glass. With her help, she examines all the furnishings in the house, so she is looking for dust particles.
Virgo also strictly plans love relationships, meetings, and sex with her partner take place on schedule.
Cheerful horoscope for Libra
Scales are languid and graceful and full of incomprehensible mystery and incomprehensible, to the rest of mankind, nobility. They love to dress fashionably and carefully follow fashion. Their craving to look fashionable is so great that if someone assures them that it is fashionable: Libra women will put on a skirt inside out, and men will wear a shirt instead of trousers and tie it in a knot at the waist.
Libra loves to teach everyone and explain everything to everyone. For example, with tenacity worthy of a better application, they will tell you how coffee latte differs from coffee with milk. And it is useless to object to them that they are one and the same.
In love, Libras are mysterious and unpredictable. Sometimes the chosen one (chosen one) of Libra cannot understand what the Libra partner is trying to say. Either he invites you to an intimate date, or he says goodbye forever.
Cheerful horoscope for Scorpio
Scorpios consider themselves irresistible personalities, they can look in the mirror for hours and admire their own person. They are great inventors and are always full of grandiose plans, but as soon as it comes to putting these plans into practice, they stop at the very first difficulties, while saying “I didn’t really want to.”
Scorpios are very loving and obscenely sexy. They are proud of their love victories and talk about it on every corner. Here is just one small nuance, Scorpio men like such women, looking at whom the rest of the men say: “No, I can’t drink so much vodka,” and Scorpio women choose for themselves such chosen ones, about whom we can say that they just got off yesterday tree or crawled onto land.
Cheerful horoscope for Sagittarius
Sagittarius are such adventurers that it is simply dangerous to be near them. They may offer you to jump with a parachute, assuring you that they have done it a hundred times and even offer to fold your parachute. Do not agree to anything, otherwise, their satisfied face will be the last thing you see in life.
Do not try to introduce your chosen one (chosen one), if it is Sagittarius, to your parents. The ancestors will be shocked.
Sagittarians are careless and unfaithful lovers. Having parted with you in the evening, assuring you of his passionate love, in the morning he may simply not remember you.
Cheerful horoscope for Capricorn
Capricorns are a kind of mixture of Leo and Virgo. They believe that they are as charismatic as Leos and as logical as Virgos. In fact, they have the self-importance of Lions and the despondency of Devs.
Capricorns are terrible workaholics, but they work with such a gloomy and dull look that they just want to say: “Put on a different face, a little more fun.”
In love, Capricorns are pessimists. His chosen one (chosen one) can prove his love a hundred times, but Capricorn is firmly convinced that he will certainly be abandoned. What happens most often is that the partner gets tired of fighting the universal despondency of Capricorn.
Cheerful horoscope for Aquarius
Aquarians are the most "knowledgeable" people in the world. Ask Aquarius what Nadezhda Krupskaya was ill with in childhood or what stars the Sagittarius constellation consists of, and he will tell you everything with a smart look and very extensively.
Aquarians are very fond of their body, they love to be naked, and therefore they are very willing to visit nudist beaches.
Aquarians are wonderful lovers, and if you still listen to them constantly, agree with everything and admire their vast knowledge, Aquarius will love you like Romeo.
Cheerful horoscope for Pisces
Pisces are very vindictive creatures, God forbid, offend this sign. Outwardly, they will not show that they are offended, but later on you will regret for a long time that you offended Pisces.
Pisces are very slow in everything, and they are the same drivers. If you see that a car is driving along the highway at a speed of 40-50 km per hour, be sure that a representative of this sign is driving.
In love, Pisces are cold and predictable, it's about them they say "snulled fish." But they consider themselves to be almost Scorpions in a love relationship.
IN ONE DUTCH WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I stumbled upon SUCH A FUNNY HOROSCOPE.
I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU WITH THESE IDEAS, BUT IN THE PROCESS OF READING I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF… AND THERE IS A LOT OF COINCIDENCE…?!
LOOK FOR YOURSELF, MAYBE YOU WILL SEE THIS AMAZING?
Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, the most lively and energetic. Astrology textbooks describe Aries as a charming, energetic personality, endowed with charisma, a born leader and revolutionary. He quickly rushes through life, radiating cheerfulness and optimism.
The truth is that this is an overbearing, self-centered twat, interested only in himself and having an exorbitantly inflated self-importance.
In Aries, Mars endows a person with courage, determination, energy, passion and ambition, as well as short temper, selfishness and impulsiveness. The typical Aries flies through life at full steam, challenging anyone who stands in his way. Endowed with fearlessness by nature, he calmly rushes into battle, even with an obviously strong opponent. If you are not lucky and you fall under his feet, then you will fully experience for yourself what an annoyed Aries is: angry, red, he screams and can even stomp his feet, or even rush with his fists. Sometimes, suddenly, for no apparent reason, he can show generosity and, for example, leave his partner empty-handed. Most of all, he is afraid of being branded as ignoble!
He is stung by a condescending attitude, he will not forgive this and, on occasion, can take revenge painfully. Although by nature not so vindictive. 
Aries does not reason for a long time, he simply reacts to irritants, he first acts, and then thinks, often in the heat of the moment destroying his own happiness, because he has no time to collect facts and think ...
Not one iota of humility, he will never admit his mistakes! It is impossible to wait for words of apology from him.
You start arguing with him and a flurry of screams and insults will fall upon you, if you prove you are right, you will be offended like a child and go to pout in a corner. Aries is characterized by a complete lack of taste in clothes, they simply have no time to do this, they are more attracted to moving objects ... They especially love cars.
What is characteristic, in love they are disinterested ...
TAURUS. (April 20-May 20) 
Taurus is the second sign of the Zodiac. Traditional astrology kindly describes Taurus as reliable, picky eaters, frugal homebody, lover of good food and magic in the kitchen. A born boss and a person capable of managing the World.
But in real life, you have to deal with a stubborn, edifying, boring curmudgeon with a weight problem.
At the word Taurus or a bull, in the imagination of people, an image of a large animal appears, peacefully chewing grass, blinking with satisfaction with its large shiny eyes. He is even ready to let you scratch him behind the ears ... But if you want to pick a couple of leaves on his field, you will get such a storm!
Whichever of the Taurus you communicate with, whether it be a man or a woman, you will quickly recognize his character. His fury is capable of awakening such a beast in him in an instant that you will regret in an instant that bullfighting has been canceled in your country!
His eyes fill with anger, he even darkens his face, everyone’s lower jaw, at least a little, but protrudes forward, they subconsciously tilt their heads and look at you frowningly., just like a bull before an attack ....
Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus, and it is she who endows him with insatiability.
Simple approval is never enough for Taurus, property is always scarce, food is not enough, rest and sex are always not in full measure ... They are emotional, but not intellectual, they take hard work and diligence from childhood. They do not know how to grasp a thought on the fly, but if they have learned something, then it is for life. Because of this, many of them do not complete their education, or leave it halfway ... the craving for pleasure is too great. But if they have already learned, then rest assured, you won’t find a better careerist ... They love to sit at all sorts of meetings, meetings, join parties, unions and very quickly become leaders in them ... Although everyone will whisper behind his back that he is a scoundrel, a dictator, usurper… 
They are not able to listen to the opinion of another person, therefore neither logic nor reasonable arguments act on them. If you start arguing with him, then you will have the feeling that you are hitting your forehead against the wall, and if it turns out that you are right, he will look at you as if you were an alien. A great sense of style and beauty attracts people to him, but they are often lonely due to their difficult nature, prone to sexual perversions, such as homosexuality. Both men and women often suffer from an inferiority complex due to their weight, and therefore sometimes they allow themselves sharp antics, but they just want to eat.
Many Taurus can never give up bad habits, smoking, drugs, alcohol, they like to be late ... Usually very good parents, but they love to pamper their children.
Gemini is the third sign of the Zodiac. Astrologers unanimously convince us that Gemini are energetic, versatile people, endowed with a mass of talents, charming intellectuals, capable of solving several problems at the same time and very fond of communication.
In fact, being close to the Gemini is like getting a job in a crazy house, surprises and various dirty tricks will constantly await you.
They are not smart, but crafty, cunning and resourceful, more talkers than philosophers. They think fast and strangely, the main goal in their life is to become famous and, in turn, get to know all the celebrities around.
Their element is meetings, cocktails, presentations, where the famous public gathers and talks about the high .... Although their knowledge of everything is superficial, they pretend that they understand everything and in every field of art they are the most subtle connoisseurs and specialists. Their patron is Mercury, a swift god with wings on his sandals! He carries them with lightning speed from one place to another, and the element air is impermanence itself.
Gemini cannot be persuaded, they are very stubborn, but they give out their stubbornness for the breadth of mind and independence. They do not delve into life, but, as it were, glide over the surface. A point of view other than their own is always wrong in their eyes, they know for sure that they are right! 
In marriage, this is the most unfaithful and fickle partner, new persons attract them with freshness and incomprehensibility, they are instantly fascinated, they suffer greatly from unrequited love, but they can be comforted in a quarter of an hour, seeing something new on the horizon. They can meticulously ask a person about something, without even delving into the essence of his answers and explanations. They have a great sense of taste and style, they know how to dress beautifully and wear jewelry, but they always think that the neighbor on the landing looks better and start copying her, because they have two faces, they are constantly changing ...
Envy, a passion for gossip and intrigue, a constant change of mood and point of view ... makes Gemini unreliable partners, they always have enemies, they are able to deliver especially much suffering to Capricorns, Virgos, Taurus and Scorpios ... But they fall in love with them and remain faithful to them all their lives , people much more deserving than they are ... just these victims were caught in the net of their charm. Geminis are always thin, food does not give them such satisfaction, such as good music, a declaration of love, poetry, a walk in the forest.
CANCER. (June 21-July 22) 
Cancer, the fourth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of Home, Private Life. Satisfying astrology describes Cancer as a person who loves solitude, caring and completely devoted to family and friends.
The truth is that Cancers are slippery, manipulative creatures and demand, in turn, absolute loyalty from loved ones.
All water signs are sensitive and emotional, but Cancer is the champion of emotional instability. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and it changes daily, the mood of Cancers is ebb and flow, only accelerated many times over. Polite Cancer can calmly get nasty, insult and very often ready for treason, but you are unlikely to know about it, he is secretive and deceitful.
Cancer is able to joke, laugh and get angry or offended and cry at the same time. He loves to retire, attack and immediately complain and whine ...
He has several points of view on the same question and all, by the way, are true, he is not stubborn, but he is not going to argue with you, he will simply remain silent and do it his own way. 
Sharp and unexpected movements frighten him, they even startle, they love smoothness and softness, insects and reptiles frighten him.
Cancers do not argue, they are offended ...
Weepy.
Making Cancer look at himself objectively is an unrealistic task. In a dispute, Cancer will be the first to be silent, but this does not mean that he lost, do not hold out your hands to him, he can chop it off with his claw. Cancer loves junk, antiques, all Cancers are very religious, and for real. Great intuition makes them a little visionary in the eyes of other people, excellent parents, but dubious partners ... especially Cancer men love to live in two families and have illegitimate children, and others often find out about this only after their death. Cancer women are rarely seen 
s in society, usually they are quiet mothers of families or middle-class officials, but this does not mean anything, if Cancer got a job somewhere, he will always find a loophole how to illegally make himself an increase in salary. They love to work where it smells like money.
Leo is the fifth sign of the zodiac. He lives in the house of creativity and love. Any book on astrology will tell you that Leos are proud, self-confident, fun-loving, loyal, generous, elegant people. Most likely these books were written by an astrologer - Leo. 
In fact, Lions crave to always be in the spotlight, powerful fanatics of their own "I", whose infantility and selfishness are exceeded only by their desire to dispose of others.
The Sun controls Leo, and just as it is the center of our System, Leo (or Lioness) considers himself the center around which everyone must revolve. Of course, they crave explicit worship, but sometimes it is enough for them that you personally consider him to be the main thing in everything.
Lions are either loud, unceremonious and cheeky or sly quiet with self-respect.
Sometimes he can just pretend to be a humble quiet person for some time, but do not be deceived, there are no shy and shy Lions in nature. Their constant need for attention often makes them sullen, and when they lose contact with their Self, they become selfish tyrants, especially with age, believing that their whole life is a vale of suffering. In fact, they roar inflict suffering on others, not at all embarrassed by this. 
Instead of building relationships with people, they plague them with jealousy and reproaches, try to argue with them and you will hear just a roar instead of arguments.
Win an argument with him, he will stop talking, stare at you and go into the shadows, contemplate the next attack.
Lions make the most devoted sissies. They easily part with their first spouse, although later they often regret it all their lives.
From Lionesses, fanatical mothers are obtained, with great pleasure poisoning the life of daughters-in-law.
Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of Services and Health. Astrologers tactfully depict Virgo as modest, practical, sweet, logical, picky and meticulous. 
However, looking closely, you will find a restless, fussy, petty, prone to endless analysis and subjective assessments of a critic and a hypocrite.
Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same planet that rules the restless Gemini. However, in Virgo, restless Mercury is trapped in the element of Earth, where he becomes critical and irritable.
Virgos might dream of being as spontaneous as Gemini, but they are too firmly on the ground.
Virgos get worried about everything.
They heal the sick, save sinners, correct speech errors, and dispense unsolicited advice with the dignity of an elementary school teacher.
Virgos are very cautious and absolutely devoid of adventurism. They are so busy improving those around them that they are completely oblivious to their own character, which is by no means pleasant.
Of all the signs, Virgos are the least able to admit their mistakes. Born under the motto, THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THE WORLD!, they cannot relax and enjoy life. 
All the fantasies and dreams of the Virgo have an absolutely practical purpose, the Virgo does nothing without benefit for herself, and if she gave you something, it means that she just got a bigger piece the other day.
Virgo can get a job in any organization, even in Horns and Hooves, and calmly have her own piece of bread with butter and caviar there. Most of all, they fear for their health, therefore, whatever, Virgo will not eat, if necessary, they will calmly lose weight or quit smoking, they don’t tell anyone, even themselves, the whole truth.
Always on the sidelines, they know how to drag chestnuts out of the fire with the wrong hands. Virgo, possessing the gift of persuasion, can convince anyone that a new enterprise is simply necessary; for herself, she has long calculated dividends.
They are constant in marriage, because disorder in everything affects the Virgin oppressively.
Virgo is obsessed with neatness, they are easy to recognize by their appearance, they are always neatly dressed and combed. Men often marry very late or even remain bachelors, because Virgo, firstly, is never bored alone, and secondly, Virgo men are happy to do housework.
This sign both in the Zodiac and in life embodies the variability of life and the constancy of change.
Astrologers endow him with the highest harmony, they argue that Libra is always impartial, diplomatic and always strive for peace, that they have been looking for truth, beauty and a perfect life partner all their lives.
In fact, behind their somewhat cloying smiles, there are lovers of pampering themselves, the Beloved, people who indulge only their whims in everything, their hearing is tuned only to the ringing of coins, and there is no more individuality and grandeur in them than in a green leaf.
Libra is ruled by Venus, but it is in Libra that she endows a person with an endless thirst for improvement. They need to become the first, they are never satisfied, either with themselves or with a partner.
As one of the dominant cardinal signs, Libra views dissent as a personal affront.
They get angry even if you just switch the TV to another channel.
In the representation of Libra, the harmony of the world lies in the fact that everyone agrees with them. Libras are very subjective, not judgmental. They recognize one opinion - their own.
If you start arguing with them, they will explode with anger, but they can easily ask you for forgiveness, because they are afraid of power. 
All Libras always have at least some kind of inferiority complex. For women, this is either weight, or height, or not too smooth skin, for men it’s even worse, even a beautiful wife will not help him stop being tormented by suffering about the fact that someone else can be better ...
Marrying and marrying Libra only by calculation, if the calculation turns out to be incorrect, they often do not have the courage to get a divorce and harass their partner with nit-picking, sometimes destroying him as a person.
In their hearts they are cowardly and shouting is enough for them, but they are offended for life ... In love, geniuses and very often start romances with married and married people, because to beat someone off, what could be more pleasant? You can not ask them for a loan ... they will not give it. In raising children, they are complete ignoramuses, sometimes pampering, sometimes demanding impossible obedience, as a rule, their children grow up indecisive and always look back at their parents, although Libra themselves are always naughty and spiky in childhood. But they are capable of generous and broad gestures, this charms people, they often say about Libra: A wonderful person!
SCORPION(October 23-November 21) 
Scorpio, the eighth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of death, sex, and other people's possessions.
Conventional astrology describes Scorpio as a passionate being, full of secrets, sensual, endowed with the gift of being reborn and rising from the ashes, like a Phoenix.
But he would be better compared to Dracula rising from a coffin.
These are people obsessed with obsessive ideas, very secretive, prone to assault subjects who feed their pride on the humiliation of others.
Scorpio is ruled by two planets. From Mars, the god of war, conflict and aggression, he is endowed with suspicion, and his outward friendliness is separated from seething poisonous emotions by only a thin layer of skin.
The second planet Pluto, the god of extremes, instills in him an unsurpassed survival instinct in any situation. Neither an aspen stake, nor holy water - nothing can harm Scorpio, only he himself can hit him. What Scorpio usually does at the end of life.
Scorpio rarely lives his life happily, usually his unbridled fantasy and instinct of the owner push him to make an erroneous fateful decision.
But notice, no one, but only he himself, does himself a dirty trick.
His favorite game in life is the Inquisition Bonfire, If you die you're innocent, if you stay alive you're guilty.
They deliberately cause harm to loved ones, as a rule, their marriages are not durable, especially the first ones, not very 
There are not many people who can withstand their character. After all, everything in this world, in his opinion, is not worthy of him, he is the best in everything, the richest, the most successful, they are naturally endowed with longevity, good health and exorbitant self-admiration.
They have such a developed intuition that they see people on 
through. Very believing. Perhaps the most faithful of all signs.
If you leave him with a snort, he will never forgive you, Scorpios are very vengeful, they don’t forget anything and never forgive.
They love to be late everywhere and hate it when others are late for them. As a rule, they are very quick-tempered and in the heat of the moment they speak without thinking, often pugnacious and never give in. Sometimes they are capable of a grand gesture, but here 
they will ask for something in return.
Their motto is: All or nothing!
If they get divorced, then by all means they try to annoy the former and with great reluctance pay alimony.
Greedy beef and all the money in the world is always not enough for them.
Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of philosophy, adventure and long-distance travel.
Traditionally, representatives of this sign are described as sociable, cheerful, honest people who have a philosophical view of life and events in the world, passionate travelers.
However, the harsh truth is that this is a tactless subject, stomping through life with one foot stuck in a bucket, a bawler and a bully, always speaking out of place. 
Sagittarius is controlled by the cheerful joker Jupiter, and he endows his wards with a restless character and extravagance.
Sagittarians never know how to count money and easily part with it, their breadth of soul is sometimes even burdensome, they have a lot of friends around the world, they charm so much from the first meeting that this person is immediately remembered and immediately put forward somewhere.
Becoming a leader or director is a trifle for Sagittarius, but he will often not work, because his job is to travel around, make incendiary speeches and sit on the presidium. All Sagittarians, both men and women, firmly believe that they know everything in the world and spend their time to enlighten humanity, mired in ignorance.
They do not know how to act subtly, they need everything to be done immediately.
They neigh very loudly or smile lusciously, but under the mask of a cheerful jester hides a restrained rage, and what a rage!
Because they have to suppress their anger, there are many violent criminals among them.
In general, angry Sagittarians do not even try to curb their feelings. 
They are born in the dark season, when the days are the shortest and the nights are the longest and their soul is often twilight, they suffer from bouts of melancholy, they want to constantly fiesta.
Favorite entertainment is the circus, they love loud music, so there are so many artists, singers, musicians among them.
Sagittarius women are completely delighted with shiny jewelry, even cheap jewelry. The lack of sunlight makes them lovers of bright clothes. Sagittarians love to quarrel with relatives, both close and distant, and in their families they have frequent conflicts, while they happen, yell, and then they can calmly make peace and talk in an hour as if nothing had happened.
They are very emotional, capricious, fickle.
Easily change in marriage. They don’t know how to argue, and if you start proving your point of view, then your centaur will quickly jump over the fence and run away for fresh clover.
As a rule, Sagittarius women always have many children, not at all because they are good mothers, they are just too lazy. 
to be protected and they make a decision with lightning speed: Oh, let there be one more child! Although, having given birth, they immediately try to get the baby to nurse someone, they plow their husband, mother, distant relatives and neighbors, they love five-day days, because for them to go to work is a vacation, and, instead of running home after work to the children, it may well go and listen to a lecture on how to care for orchids, even though she doesn't have any orchids.
Sagittarians are simply born for public assignments: the head of the house, combatants, a fireman, a stewardess, a Moscow-Vladivostok carriage conductor - what could be more pleasant?
Magnanimous astrologers describe this person as a traditionalist, a determined and purposeful person, a very selective person, with good taste and a sense of style.
It would be possible not to try with the description, replacing it with one word careerist.
If you are dealing with Capricorn, then you will definitely suffer from his imperiousness, pomposity, these people squeeze the Civil Code in one hand, and the marriage contract in the other.
Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and here he endows him with dogmatism and makes him purely business-like. Capricorn women, if they did not make a career themselves, then they brought their weak-willed husbands to the people, and they were not given anything else. 
All Capricorns are born with a manic desire to be first in their flock. Although the fish tail in his sign indicates a wet and emotional nature. They are sensitive and cry often. But their tears are rarely seen, they are not sugary sentimental like Pisces.
The manifestation of emotions is considered not decent, but they are hot natures.
More than anything, they love to talk about how hard they worked and tried to reach their position. Although by nature they are generally tongue-tied and it is tiring to listen to them, they do not have a flight of thought and fantasy, like Pisces and Gemini, they have everything naked truth. They also lack a sense of humor. 
Capricorns are very serious and lack immediacy. Very often, women and men born under this sign marry early, although they themselves do not understand why?
They think very little about love, they are interested in material values, but in their youth it seems to them: It's time, it's time to start a family, I'm already an adult (th)
Namely, they think about the family, not about love.
At a fairly young age, they achieve material success, and having achieved it, they understand that life is boring. They don’t know how to rejoice, so all Capricorns have a very responsible hobby, if it doesn’t exist, then only their favorite JOB!
And only this brings him happiness, he has an excuse for all the moaning of his partner: I'm busy! Money for Capricorn is an end in itself.
In general, these are boring subjects who are usually appreciated when they are suddenly not around. They take great care of their health, chronic centenarians.
According to the Bible, Jesus was a Capricorn, but by all indications, He certainly was a FISH, a kind pacifist... But Capricorns love to fight to the end, they are very stubborn and persistent.
If you win the argument, then it is likely that your phone will ring at night, Capricorn decided to offer you a counterargument ...
Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac, and benevolent astrology describes him as an individualist, self-confident, original and idealistic, who treats all people equally.
To you, he is more likely to seem like an obsessive eccentric who begins to tell the first person he meets about his bizarre theories and conclusions.
Bring confusion and confusion, the true purpose of Aquarius. He doesn't even know why he does it. 
Since we have officially entered the Age of Aquarius, this only enhances its qualities. He loves rebellion, and in a peaceful, routine life he feels sleepy, often because of this he has a desire to drink, or smoke ... They are very prone to bad habits.
Aquarius loves to cross the boundaries of morality and break the law.
Aquarius is ruled by two planets, Uranus and Saturn.
Uranus is the planet of sudden change and revolution. Saturn is the planet of dogma and repression. Therefore, Aquarians are not sincere, they create the illusion of change without changing anything, they themselves are terribly afraid of change.
Aquarius people are aloof, not passionate, if you dig deeper, you will notice that they know little, their knowledge is superficial, and in general, they often have nothing to say.
They are all dreaming about the future: when I grow up, when I get married, when I have children, when we save up money, when I retire... And life passes them by, because they do not know how to live in the present.
They don’t even wear clothes right away, they usually hang in their closet for years until they go out of fashion.
Often they are very perceptive and well versed in people, but their trouble is that they can never understand themselves ... Marriages with them fall apart easily, like skittles ... But they are never alone, they will always find someone to charm, and again they are paired …
By old age, their weakest organ is the head, often memory loss, nervous breakdowns. Therefore, if you got Aquarius, take care of him, he does not know how to take care of himself.
Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac, which has absorbed the wisdom of all other signs. Astrology calls them seers, they seem to have descended to earth along a moonbeam, people prone to self-contemplation, sensitively capturing the mood and aura of other people. Good pacifists, they feel sorry for everyone, both people and animals ... 
Scrape the gilding off them and you will find a dreamer overturned by the realities of life, gullible, disorganized, constantly in a state of confusion and completely helpless.
Pisces is controlled by Neptune, the god of illusions, and he endows a person born under this sign with the desire to run away from problems and absolute naivety. They believe everything!
They evaluate each action through the prism of their prejudices, which break any truth.
This makes Pisces champions among losers, but they endure all hardships easily, for the sole reason that, not knowing how to get out of the situation, they resign themselves to it, and the course itself endures them. 
They are not fighters, they don't lay down their weapons, they don't even know how to pick them up!
This makes them remarkably resilient, only far removed from reality.
They have many, many ideas, but the fear of change and the unwillingness to take risks, bends them to the ground and often prevents them from developing their potential, which is huge.
They have a lot of talents and they can do many things better than others, but they are too lazy ...
Ambition is a trait not known to them at all, they may well tell their idea, completely free of charge, to a person who will make capital on this.
But Neptune is the god of the sea, so Pisces is quick-tempered and hysterical like no other, but after an hour they have already forgotten that they just recently yelled at you, and they start talking, as if nothing had happened, they have a great sense of humor, but sometimes it's a cruel satire.
All Pisces speak first and think later.
But they are certainly interesting people, and what taste, style and charm they have often makes you reconcile and digest their unbearable character. 
They are quick-tempered, but quick-tempered, they talk about themselves, not noticing that they have a lot of enemies.
Pisces themselves are terribly vindictive and do not forgive insults, reminding everyone of this, including offenders, many take this for courage, and this is just sentimental whining. After all, Pisces never take revenge.
funny horoscope 3.50 /5 (4 votes)
Aries is an emotional bastard.
If he is passionate about something, he does not bother to explain his actions to others, he simply acts as he sees fit. To ask for forgiveness - pride does not allow. I am convinced that the truth is in it.
Excuses: “Something rolled up”, “Damn beguiled” etc.
Taurus is a greedy bastard.
Obsessed with buying. A targeted avenger, always calculates the trajectory of the blow, to be sure.
Excuses: "You deserve this fate".
Gemini is a careless bastard.
She loves games, jokes, funny companies. The eternal dichotomy of evil and good. For the sake of a joke, he devalues the rules and traditions, depriving them of drama, sincerely not understanding what he is doing and quickly forgets about it.
Excuses: “Are you offended? WHY?"
Cancer is a miserable bastard.
Because of his vulnerability, vulnerability, susceptibility, he is always an "angel-like creature" innocently injured, while the opponent is a monster in a "devilish guise" even if Cancer himself is a champion in filth and dirty tricks. He will also make sure that the whole world knows how you have treated him unfairly.
Excuses: "It's your fault that I'm like this!"
Leo is a pompous bastard.
Well, everything is clear here, the crown presses, the greatness of the world distorts. Everything is divided into “He” and “the rest.” He is great, others are dust underfoot.
Excuses: "I so wanted to."
Virgo is a vindictive bastard.
In the eternal pursuit of perfection, impeccability and correctness, she draws her portrait of “God in the flesh on earth”, such a walking messiah and don’t let you be imprudent to speak unsatisfactorily, unprofitably about her. Can wait long and hard for the right chance to remember.
Excuses: Triumphant "Do you remember …"
Libra is a mercantile bastard.
Windy and changeable. Great virtuosos extricate themselves from sticky situations. A real politician pursuing his own interests, if necessary, will promise, lie, slander.
Excuses: no. Got drunk and fled.
Scorpio is a top notch bastard.
A lover of creating a veil of mystery around himself such that he himself gets entangled in it, plus an unquenchable thirst for an ideal clouds their minds, forcing them to position themselves as an instrument of justice and retribution. If from their point of view you broke any rules, you should be punished.
Excuses: no.
Sagittarius is a bastard.
A very complex being, eager to prove himself in the field of social activity and quite successful in this matter. Tram squabbles, bazaar skirmishes, all kinds of quarrels and conflicts in which you can take your soul away - this is his element.
Excuses: raised tone, meaningless text, obscene language.
Capricorn is a stupid bastard.
Just as an ostrich hides its head in the sand, believing that there is no danger, so a capricorn, resting its horns “anywhere” does not want to see, feel and make decisions. Moreover, he firmly believes that if he persists in this way, the problem will be resolved by itself, and even according to his scenario, and when he sees the ashes around him, he will be stupidly surprised: “How did it happen?”.
Excuses: "It happened".
This fun, comic horoscope for today by zodiac signs can be used every day. Open this page every morning, and a good mood for the whole day is guaranteed in full!
And for everyone who believes in happiness, we recommend reading our happy eastern horoscope by year of birth with the recommendations of poet astrologers. All our serious and funny horoscopes are written especially for the site "Favorite Holiday". Share them with your friends, put links, but respect our authors - do not reprint our horoscopes. Thank you.
Cool boring horoscope for today for Aries
Be active and determined.
First, try to recharge.
So that your labors are not wasted in vain, remember: if people are valued for their work, then a horse is better than any person.
Cool boring horoscope for today for Taurus
Be careful. Think before you do anything.
Measure seven times and only then cut eight times.
For the seventy-first time, you will succeed.
The stars are not advised to kiss the secretary in the presence of his wife.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Gemini
New things are waiting for you.
Remember: even the most stupid idea can be masterfully executed.
And don't be afraid to do what you don't know how to do.
After all, the ark was built by amateurs. Professionals built the Titanic.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Cancer
Life is good ... hic ... Repeat this, spreading red caviar on bread with a thick layer. Or black.
But do not rush to pour vodka.
Remember: alcohol is a time machine.
I drank - and already tomorrow.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Leo
Talk less, listen more.
It is better to be silent and grunt with pleasure.
Your income will be higher than your expenses. Because there will be no costs at all.
Get a piggy bank and grunt together.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Virgo
You will be thrown from one extreme to another.
First, the boss will call you on the carpet, and will yell like a flock of crocodiles.
In five minutes, he will offer you a position that you have been seeking for a long time.
Agree!
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Libra
You will be on a horse.
Everyone else, apparently, will have to move on foot.
You may feel out of place.
The stars are advised to break the plate, get off the horse, break the plate, get off the horse and finally change it ... for a bicycle.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Scorpio
You will have a romantic date.
Enjoy, forget about everything in the world....
When Sveta starts to go home, pretend to be asleep.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Sagittarius
Your mood will jump.
From the TV to the cabinet, from the cabinet to the table.
Try to catch him anyway.
Hold somewhere in the corner and ask: "Kolis! Who do you work for ?!"
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Capricorn
The sixth sense will not let you down. It will say: "Enough!"
The other five senses will fail.
They will say something awkward, but you will understand them.
Because a Russian person after the fifth glass is able not only to understand the Chinese language, but also to forgive it.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Aquarius
Everything will come easy to you.
Even a visit to the dentist.
At first you will be very afraid. Then it turns out that his drill broke.
But do not relax and remember: if you are happy for more than one day, then something is being hidden from you.
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Cool boring horoscope for today for Pisces
You have a creative upsurge ahead of you.
Stock up on climbing equipment in advance.
Already stocked up? .. Then full speed ahead!
To conquer the next height!... Just don't shout later"
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