Nice instructions how to. Funny instructions for goods and household appliances. Washing machine instructions: "Do not wash cats"
The funniest instructions
Idiot instructions appear for various reasons. Sometimes a company prints obvious recommendations on their products to prevent lawsuits.
There is a well-known case when a woman who burned herself with hot coffee bought at a McDonald's cafe sued a million dollars in damages. How many people now went to McDonald's to pour coffee? After that, the inscription appeared on the coffee cups: "Caution: the coffee is hot."
Sometimes the true meaning of the instructions is lost as a result of translation, but sometimes the ridiculous inscriptions on the packages are the result of simple stupidity. In the US, there are dozens of sites where collectors collect the most idiotic instructions. I will now write some funny instructions for various subjects.
On a box of sleeping pills: “Caution! May cause drowsiness."
Hair dryer instructions: "Do not use while showering"
The plate on the minitractor: "Caution! Avoid death!
Instructions for Panasonic electric flashlights: "Designed to be used in the dark as a light source."
Instructions for the electric drill: “Caution! Not intended for drilling teeth!”
Instructions for the lawn mower: “Before mowing, make sure that there are no small cattle in the grass, do not point the device at living people as a result of winding individual parts of the body on the moving parts of the device!”
Instructions for the washing machine: "Do not wash cats."
Instructions for the microwave oven: "Not intended for live animals."
The instructions for the Funai microwave "Do not use as a lamp."
Sears hair dryer instructions: "Do not use while sleeping."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Please don't try to stop the chain with your hands or genitals."
The instructions for the microwave oven: "It is forbidden to dry pets" (the inscription appeared after an American housewife tried to dry a freshly bought cat in the microwave).
Toilet plunger instructions: "Do not use near power lines"
Instructions for firewood: "May cause a fire"
Instructions for the mattress: "Do not try to swallow!"
Toilet brush instructions: "Do not use for brushing teeth"
Hammer instructions: "Do not use a hammer to hit hard objects"
Instructions on the package with nails: “Nails do not swallow! May cause irritation!
Instructions for the letter opener: "Caution: it is recommended to work with protective glasses."
Instructions for the baby stroller: "Before folding, remove the child."
The inscription on the drain tank: "Do not drink water."
From the window frame installation instructions: "Using insect screens does not prevent children from falling out of windows."
On the Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on the body."
On the box of Christmas tree lights: "Use inside or outside only."
On the faucet: "Do not use for other uses."
Blanket: "Do not use to protect from a hurricane."
On a reminder for toilet users: "We do not recommend throwing stones or heavy objects into the toilet because this can cause damage to the toilet."
On the package of hair curlers. Two options offered by different companies: "Do not use for curling eyelashes, it may cause serious injury to the eyes" and "For external use only."
On the reclining chair: "Before reclining the reclining chair, remove the child from the reclining seat."
On a Korean meat carcass knife: "Keep out of reach of children."
Instructions for a kitchen knife: "Do not try to catch a falling knife!"
Instructions for the 30cm CD Rack: "Do not use as a ladder."
On a bike rearview mirror: "Remember: the objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
A note from a greeting card company: "Christmas greeting cards should be given on Christmas Eve."
On the package for the car steering lock: “Attention! Remove the lock before driving."
A poster installed at a small railway station: “Attention! Touching these high voltage wires will cause instant death. Violators will be fined."
Tear gas canister label: "May irritate eyes"
Carpet cleaner label: "Also safe on carpets"
On the packaging of rat poison: “Caution! Causes cancer in mice!
On a box of Dial soap: "Instruction: Use as normal soap."
On a bathtub cleaner bottle: "For best results, wash your tub when it's clean."
On a bottle of shampoo (Made in Taiwan): "Use constantly to get serious damage to the hair."
On the dog shampoo box: "Do not feed the contents of the bottle to the fish."
Palmolive handwash package says "Do not use as food."
On a box of Schwann's frozen convenience foods "Instruction: Defrost."
At the bottom of the cake box: "Do not flip."
On a frozen pizza box: "Food will be hot after reheating."
On the package of nuts: “Caution! Contains nuts.
On a bag of nuts served to passengers on American Airlines aircraft: "Instructions: Open bag, eat nuts."
On a package of pine nuts: "These nuts do grow on pine trees."
On the package of table salt: “Attention! Contains a lot of sodium.
On a bottle of water: “Unscrew the cap and set it aside. Don't put the cap in your mouth."
On a bottle of mineral water: "Suitable for vegetarians."
On a bottle of Volvic mineral water: “The bottle is made especially for Volvic mineral water. Don't fill it out again."
On a bottle of Moet Champagne: "Remove label before microwaving."
Blanket (Made in Taiwan): "Do not use as protection against tornadoes"
On the mirror attached to the helmet used by American cyclists: "Remember, the objects in the mirror are actually BEHIND you"
On the cap of a milk bottle in England: "After opening, do not turn the bottle upside down"
In some countries on bottles of Coca-Cola: "Open with the other hand" (O_o how is that?!)
On a Marks & Spencer pudding: "Product will be hot after reheating"
On a bathing cap in a hotel: "Only for one head" (Snake Gorynych will faint, one day he decides to swim in a hotel ...)
Sears hair dryer instructions: "Do not use while sleeping."
On a bag of Fritos chips: "You can win! You don't need to buy chips to enter the lottery. The rules of the draw are inside the bag."
On a box of Dial soap: "Instruction: Use as normal soap."
On a box of Schwann's frozen convenience foods "Instruction: Defrost."
On the bottom of the cake box: "Do not flip."
On a frozen pizza box: "Food will be hot after reheating."
On the Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on the body."
On the package of children's cough syrup: "Do not drive a car or operate complex technological equipment while under the influence of this medicine."
On a box of sleeping pills Nytol: "Caution! May cause drowsiness."
On the box of Christmas tree lights: "Use only indoors or outdoors."
On the faucet: "Do not use for other uses."
On the package of nuts: "Caution! Contains nuts." (Horrible!)
On a bag of nuts served to passengers on American Airlines aircraft: "Instruction: Open the bag, eat the nuts."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Please don't try to stop the chain with your hands or genitals." (Looks like there were precedents...)
On Superman's childhood costume: "Wearing the costume does not give you the ability to fly."
On the blanket: "Do not use to protect from a hurricane."
On the package of the cycling suit: "Does not protect against injury to parts of the body not covered by the suit."
The instructions for the microwave oven: "It is forbidden to dry pets" (the inscription appeared after one American housewife tried to dry a freshly bought cat in the microwave).
On a reminder for toilet users: "We do not recommend throwing stones or heavy objects into the toilet because this may cause damage to the toilet."
On a package of pine nuts: "These nuts do grow on pine trees."
A note from a greeting card company: "Christmas greeting cards should be given on Christmas Eve."
On the package of hair curlers. Two options offered by different companies: "Do not use for curling eyelashes, it may cause serious injury to the eyes" and "For external use only."
On a bathtub cleaner bottle: "For best results, wash your tub when it's clean."
On a reclining chair: "Before reclining the reclining chair, remove the child from the reclining seat"
On a bottle of shampoo (Made in Taiwan): "Use constantly to get serious damage to the hair." (Wow shampoo...)
On the package of table salt: "Warning! Contains a lot of sodium"
In the instructions for a film camera: "The camera can only work when there is film inside."
On the package for the car's steering lock: "Attention! Remove the steering lock before driving."
On a Korean carcass knife: "Keep out of reach of children." (Our children are so severe that they bend Korean knives...)
On a Japanese food processor: "Warning! Cannot be used in any other way."
Dog shampoo box: "Do not feed the contents of the bottle to the fish."
Palmolive Hand Wash package says "Do not use as food."
On a bottle of water: "Unscrew the cap and set it aside. Do not put the cap in your mouth."
The unsurpassed pinnacle of creativity of the compilers of instructions can be a poster installed at a small railway station: "Attention! Touching these high voltage wires will cause instant death. Violators will be fined."
"How to become a city transport"
Get in the bathroom. Put tights on your head. Tie the "legs" of the tights on the clothesline. Move slowly in the bathroom. YOU ARE A TROLLEYBUS)) If you put on skis at the same time, you get a tram. And if you put on skis and pour water into the bath, you get a river tram, and if you drop a switched on hair dryer into a bath with water, you get an electric train, and if you turn off the lights and put on a headlamp, then you are a subway. And if you add kerosene to the water, you get an airplane, if at the same time a hair dryer remains in the water - that's it, you are a rocket!
A few simple but very useful rules:
- Do not spare money for pleasure.
Always remember that you will not have another life.
- If you are guilty - immediately tell about it and do not look for excuses for yourself.
- In life, always rely only on yourself.
- Never argue.
- If you want something, ask.
- If you want to meet - Invite.
- If you want to be understood - Explain.
- Like it - tell me.
It's not clear, ask.
- Don't talk to fools.
- Do not be a bore.
A person's problems are only in his head.
- The world around is not evil and not good, it doesn't care if you are or not.
Try to make the most of every event.
- Live today, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may not be.
- The main thing in life is love, everything else is vanity.
Don't watch TV or you'll become a goat.
Remember that you don't owe anyone anything.
Remember that no one owes you anything.
Don't get involved in politics, politics embitters people.
- Always remember that everyone has their own truth and it often does not coincide with yours.
- Believe not in promises, but in your feelings.
With women, as with children, be patient and a little indulgent.
- Pity all women - it is more difficult for them to live.
“If you're in a bad mood, think that when you die, you won't have that either.
Know that today is the best day of your life.
Textbook "HOW TO BEHAVE IN SOCIETY"
1. Instead of the usual "fuck" always say only "oops" or "yoow!".
2. If you have sweaty hands, then before you say hello, politely and cordially pat them on the shoulders of your friend.
3. No need to blow your nose in a tie, it is better to discreetly use a window shade for this.
4. If you are convicted of catching the meatiest pieces from the soup pot with your hand, politely answer that you just dropped a cufflink there.
5. Always pull up a chair for your lady, even if another lady is lounging on it.
6. Always generously praise the hosts for their culinary skills, even if the food has just been brought from a nearby pizzeria or ordered by phone in front of you.
7. If you really want to spoil the air, and there is no way to leave the table, then call the master's son to you, then no one will think of you. At worst, a dog or a cat will do.
8. If you managed to break the master's crystal glass, immediately sneeze loudly and knock over a bottle of expensive wine on the table, preferably two. In the ensuing turmoil to collect the precious drink, your incident may go unnoticed.
9. If the neighbors from above disturb you with their noise and stomp, then call the police and say that they have a bomb planted. Soon everything will be quiet there.
11. When the table is already empty, and you still really want to eat - quietly sneak into the kitchen, there is always something in reserve either in the oven or in the refrigerator.
12. When you are caught red-handed in the kitchen, say that you yourself volunteered to help the hostess with serving dessert.
13. Saying goodbye, do not forget to thank the hosts from the bottom of their hearts for their hospitality and discreetly leave their silverware in the hallway, anyway it will not match the color of your tablecloth.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR SURVIVAL
HOW TO PROTECT YOUR HOME
1. If, waking up at night, you see that a thief has climbed into the window, help him get back with a crowbar or an ax.
2. A glass eye inserted into a peephole will scare away any thief from your apartment.
3. Leaving children alone in the house, teach them to answer all calls: "Dad and mom are busy. They are cleaning and oiling the machine gun."
4. When the bandits start to break down the door, try to break it from your side at the same time. This will confuse attackers.
HOW TO BE OUT ON THE STREET TO STAY ALIVE
1. If an oncoming passer-by asks you to smoke, the best action would be, without waiting for the attack, to hit him in the forehead with all your might.
2. If you have been sprayed in the face with a gas spray, first of all hold your breath and close your eyes. Then unzip the gas mask bag, take out the gas mask and put it on. Remember that your life may depend on the speed of these actions.
3. Before entering a dark entrance, throw a few stones there to seize the initiative from possible criminals.
4. If you still notice suspicious types in the entrance, be careful not to frighten them away, ask them to present their documents.
5. During an attack, never shout: "Help, they're killing!" It is better to shout something neutral, for example: "Germans!" or: "Hey, on the ferry!"
SOME ADVICE FOR WOMEN ON HOW TO REFLECT THE ATTACK OF A RAPIST AND STAY BEAUTIFUL AND ATTRACTIVE
1. Girls and women are not recommended to wear short skirts and use makeup. An old padded jacket, tarpaulin boots and a face smeared with soot will certainly not attract the attention of a potential maniac.
2. A lush hairstyle often plays into the hands of criminals (coiled). Therefore, a clean-shaven head, smeared with petroleum jelly or a greasy cream, will once again save your life.
3. A woman should use for her protection any item that is in her purse. It can be a comb, deodorant, a piece of water pipe.
4. If you follow these simple rules, then it will be much more difficult for criminals to rob or beat you, and then someone else will become their victim.
RULES OF SURVIVAL IN THE LABORATORY
1. If you have uncorked something - cork it.
2. If you have liquid in your hands - do not spill,
powdery - do not scatter,
gaseous - do not let out.
3. If enabled, disable.
4. If opened - close.
5. If disassembled, reassemble.
6. If you can not assemble - call the craftsman for help.
7. If you didn’t take it apart, don’t try to collect it.
8. If you borrowed something, return it.
9. If you USE ANYTHING - KEEP IT CLEAN AND ORDER.
10. If you have brought something into disarray - restore the STATUS QUO.
11. If you have moved something, put it back in place.
12. If you want to use something that belongs to someone else, ask permission.
13. If you don't know how it works, for God's sake don't touch it.
14. If this does not concern you, do not interfere.
15. If you don't know how it's done, ask right away.
16. If you can't understand something, scratch your head.
17. If you still do not understand, then do not try.
18. If you are on fire at work, try not to catch fire from you.
19. If something exploded, check: ARE YOU ALIVE!
20. If YOU HAVE NOT LEARNED THESE RULES, DO NOT ENTER THE LABORATORY!
Instruction "COMMAND'S WATCH"
With a tooth-resistant strap and mortal combat.
The watch has 8 hands. Four of them show the time, the rest are spares to confuse a potential adversary.
The arrows are covered with a special composition, thanks to which they glow in the dark and serve to blind the enemy. The dose of radiation is sufficient for radiation damage within a radius of 200 meters.
For simplicity, the angle between the hour and minute hands is always a right angle.
All watch gears are made of the most modern transistors and microcircuits.
In the manufacture of watches, the best Western technologies were used:
- explosion welding;
- gas riveting;
- assembly sober.
The gold-plated body is galvanized with tungsten.
Commander's watches are wound up with half a turn; in the northern regions of the country, a special handle is attached to them for winding in the cold.
If sand gets inside the watch, it starts to work like an hourglass.
In a combat situation, the time delay mechanism is automatically activated, and the clock starts ticking. At a critical moment, the commander can throw them towards the enemy. At the same time, the built-in speaker squeaks in a commander's voice: "Follow me! Attack!".
In the dark, the clock whispers: "Don't be afraid, I'm with you!".
Buy a commander's watch!
It will be the most pleasant hours in your life!
Instruction "INSTRUCTIONS FOR CARRYING OUT THE ACT (VOTING)"
1. Find a place where you can easily perform the act.
2. With the help of a special commission, get permission to carry out the act.
3. Get from the commission the necessary accessories for the act - consumables, a special reusable device for the implementation of your relationship in relation to one or another chosen one.
4. Make sure there is a specially designated room for the act itself (usually, it is an erotic bright red color).
5. Go there, make sure that no one is watching you, and do what you were going to do with your chosen one. You can do this in any way, the main thing, according to the law, is not to use two or more.
6. At the end, leave the room where you performed the act, go to the urn and leave there what you want to get rid of at the end of the act. This completes the voting.
Instruction “WOMAN FOR USER. SERIES "FOR DUTTIES"
based on female logic: "A woman is very similar to a program - to get access to it, you need to download it" (experienced programmer Sidorov)
1. In order for a woman to be easy to work with, it is necessary that she be well structured and provided with comments from a more experienced programmer.
2. It is better to store different women in different directories.
3. It is best not to keep women with whom you no longer work in memory so as not to clog the computer with unnecessary information.
4. If a woman has a password, do not try to crack it yourself - contact a specialist.
5. If you want to work with any new woman who may have a virus, then before working with her, you should use virus protection programs.
6. There are women toys - but it is better not to get carried away with them.
7. WARNING: After working with a woman for more than six hours, signs of fatigue appear - lethargy, drowsiness.
8. If a woman is stuck, well, to hell with her.
Additions: 9. A woman is always warm.
10. A woman sometimes runs a program without a RUN command.
11. Notes! For example, it will wash the dishes, but sometimes it’s bad.
12. It is useless to shout at the computer (or grumble - depending on temperament).
13. A woman never hangs out at the most crucial moments.
14. Women's memory is girlish (sometimes it's good).
15. You can do everything with a woman that she allows you to do without fear of receiving a message: "General Protection Fault".
16. The computer will never regret, will not snuggle and caress.
17. The computer does not allow viewing GIFs and JPGs in three-dimensional mode and with sound, tactile and olfactory accompaniments.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE HITACHI ELECTRIC SHAVER
Favorites (comments in brackets):
You can not take a razor that has fallen into the water. Disconnect the plug immediately.
Do not use the razor while taking a bath or shower.
Do not place or store your razor in a place where it can fall or be pulled (just a horror movie!) into a bathtub or sink.
Serious supervision is required when the razor is being used by or on or near children or the handicapped (ahem...).
Fine shave: Tightening the skin with a rug, they raise beards. Slowly shave towards.
Razor care: If shaved pieces of the beard accumulate in the foil holder, it reduces the sharpness of the shave and causes the shaved pieces to spill through the foil.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR TURNING ON THE MONITOR
1. Introduction:
This instruction is intended to improve the efficiency of operations for turning on video control devices, in particular, the monitor of the GKR warehouse server in the conditions of a 2000 hot rolling mill.
2. Preliminary preparation:
Make sure the monitor needs to be turned on. If such a need is really ripe and there is no other way to solve the problem that torments you, proceed to step 3.
3. Direct preparation:
Make sure the quality of the implementation of preliminary preparation (see paragraph 2). Make sure you have a monitor in close proximity to the server. If it (monitor) is missing, then the solution of the problem described above is postponed until one (monitor) appears.
Identify the detected device, which you think is a monitor, to see if it really matches the appearance of devices that are usually considered monitors. If the identification process is successfully completed, proceed to step 4.
4. Turn on the monitor:
Find a chair or stool and sit on it so that the distance from the power button to you does not exceed the length of your right upper limb, commonly referred to as the hand.
Ensure the alignment of the above button and body part by smoothly moving the indicated limb, with the index finger in an extended horizontal position.
Apply a slight muscular effort towards the depth of the monitor.
5. Evaluation of monitor condition:
The successful turning on of the monitor is indicated by a green light (the lower traffic light has the same color). If you think that the monitor did not turn on, then check the reasons for not turning on the monitor (p. 6).
6. Reasons for not turning on the monitor:
Fault: The light bulb is not on.
Causes: You have poor eyesight
The light bulb has burnt out.
Fault: No image.
Causes: You have poor eyesight.
The monitor is not connected to the 220 V network.
The monitor is connected to the network, but there is no 220 V in it.
Points 2,3,4 of the instructions are not executed correctly.
There is no server to which the monitor is usually connected.
Fault: You are electrocuted.
Causes: You didn't turn on the monitor.
Fault: The image does not match your idea of it.
Causes: You turned on the wrong monitor.
You are still learning and learning.
Tutorial "10 STAGES OF A PROGRAMMER'S MORNING HANGOVER"
1. Contemplative.
He looks at the monitor with clear transparent eyes, does nothing, does not press anywhere, occasionally says in amazement, looking at the screen: "Wow, who would have thought!" The computer is unplugged.
2. Active.
He looks at the keyboard with suspicion and narrows his eyes, swaying with his whole body, then with a sharp movement throws out his hand, trying to press the desired button. In case of a successful hit, he shouts "E-hu !!!", in case of an unsuccessful hit, he blows the monitor to the hair dryer, while grumbling good-naturedly "Well ... The third time today!"
3. Gloomy.
Ponuro sits in front of the computer, trying not to make sudden movements. He types text on the keyboard with the tongue of his head and holds on to the mouse with both hands so as not to tip over from his chair ... As it turned out, in vain.
4. Automotive.
He tries to start the computer with car keys, attach the radio to the computer panel, and turn on the wipers, because "you can't see a damn thing, but you have to go"
5. Entertaining.
He plays Quake, and of all types of weapons he prefers his own hands and fights with the monitor, threatens the computer to return tomorrow with his karate friends, and beat him up so that "mother" does not recognize him.
6. Terrorist.
After another attempt to open his eyes, he screams in horror that the computer is mined, because the clock is ticking in the lower right corner, and dives under the table.
7. State.
At the suggestion "Enter your password" he yells at the computer: "Oh, bitch, don't you recognize me?", shows the monitor the language, indecent gestures and the certificate of an assistant to a deputy of the State Duma.
8. Optimistic.
Cheerful, playful, treats the computer on an equal footing. After reading the SMEHA.net page, he also remembers a couple of funny stories and tells them to the monitor. Then they drink beer together, the computer sips on the disk drive.
9. Unix.
...turns off the computer, drinks beer for two minutes, turns it on again, waits for the splash screen and in anguish says "Windows again, I hate Gates", turns off the computer, drinks beer for two minutes, turns it on again...
10. Calming.
For a long time he reads syllables from the screen "Now the computer's power can be turned off", after which, smiling softly, says "Thank you" and falls asleep on the keyboard ...
The manner of Western manufacturers to thoroughly prescribe all the subtleties of using this or that product has already been ridiculed more than once. However, the trouble is that seemingly absurd, at first glance, paragraphs in the instructions for use often appear not by themselves, but as a result of lawsuits won by strange consumers. What is the only story with a cat, which her kind-hearted mistress thought of drying after bathing in a microwave oven. There was no one to explain to the American housewife that such a procedure would not benefit her pet, and not a word was said about this in the user manual for the microwave. So companies are insured against such consumers. Here is a "golden" collection of the funniest instructions for use.
Instructions for electric lamps: "Designed to be used in the dark as a light source."
Sneaker box label: "Average items per box: 2."
Instructions for the electric drill: “Caution! Not intended for drilling teeth!”
Instructions for the lawn mower: “Before mowing, make sure that there are no small cattle in the grass, do not point the device at living people in order to avoid winding individual parts of the body on the moving parts of the device!”
Instructions for the baby stroller: "Before folding, remove the child."
The inscription on the lighter: "Do not use in a trouser pocket."
The inscription on the drain tank: "Do not drink water."
From the window frame installation instructions: "Using insect screens does not prevent children from falling out of windows."
Instructions for the washing machine: "Do not wash cats."
Instructions for the microwave oven: "Not intended for live animals."
On a bag of chips: "You can win! To participate in the lottery, you do not need to buy chips. The rules for the draw are inside the package."
On the packaging of the shower cap: "Size: one head."
On the bottom of the cake box: "Do not flip."
On a frozen pizza box: "Food will be hot after reheating."
On the iron: "Do not iron clothes on the body."
On the package of children's cough syrup: "Do not drive a car or operate complex technological equipment while under the influence of this medicine."
On a box of sleeping pills: "Caution! May cause drowsiness."
On the box of the Christmas tree electric garland: "Only use inside or outside."
On the package of nuts: "Caution! Contains nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Please don't try to stop the chain with your hands or genitals."
On a reminder for toilet users: "We do not recommend throwing stones or heavy objects into the toilet because this can cause damage to the toilet."
On the package of hair curlers. Two options offered by different companies: "Do not use for eyelash curling, it may cause serious injury to the eyes" and "For external use only."
Condom packaging: "Do not drive while using our product."
On the package for the car steering lock: “Attention! Remove the lock before driving."
On the packaging of the hand wash: "Do not use as food."
Strange instructions appear for various reasons. Sometimes a company prints obvious recommendations on their products to prevent lawsuits. There is a well-known case when a woman who burned herself with hot coffee bought at a McDonald's cafe sued a million dollars in damages. After that, the inscription appeared on the coffee cups: "Caution: the coffee is hot."
Sometimes the true meaning of the instructions is lost as a result of translation, but sometimes the ridiculous inscriptions on the packages are the result of simple stupidity. In the US, there are dozens of sites where collectors collect the strangest instructions.
On a box of sleeping pills: “Caution! May cause drowsiness."
The instructions for the Funai microwave "Do not use as a lamp."
Sears hair dryer instructions: "Do not use while sleeping."
On a bag of Fritos chips: “You can win! To participate in the lottery, you do not need to buy chips. The rules for the draw are inside the package."
On a box of Dial soap: "Instruction: use as normal soap."
On a box of Schwann's frozen convenience foods, "Instruction: Defrost."
On the packaging of the shower cap: "Size: one head."
At the bottom of the cake box: "Do not flip."
On a frozen pizza box: "Food will be hot after reheating."
On the Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on the body."
On the package of children's cough syrup: "Do not drive a car or operate complex technological equipment while under the influence of this medicine."
On the box of Christmas tree lights: "Use inside or outside only."
On the faucet: "Do not use for other uses."
On the package of nuts: “Caution! Contains nuts.
On a bag of nuts served to passengers on American Airlines aircraft: "Instructions: open bag, eat nuts."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Please don't try to stop the chain with your hands or genitals."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing a costume does not give you the ability to fly."
Blanket: "Do not use to protect from a hurricane."
On a bike rearview mirror: "Remember: the objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
On the package of the cycling suit: "Does not protect against injury to parts of the body not covered by the suit."
The instructions for the microwave oven: "It is forbidden to dry pets" (the inscription appeared after an American housewife tried to dry a freshly bought cat in the microwave).
On a reminder for toilet users: "We do not recommend throwing stones or heavy objects into the toilet because this can cause damage to the toilet."
On a package of pine nuts: "These nuts do grow on pine trees."
A note from a greeting card company: "Christmas greeting cards should be given on Christmas Eve."
On the package of hair curlers. Two options offered by different companies: "Do not use for curling eyelashes, it may cause serious injury to the eyes" and "For external use only."
Condom packaging: "Do not drive while using our product."
On a bathtub cleaner bottle: "For best results, wash your tub when it's clean."
On the reclining chair: "Before reclining the reclining chair, remove the child from the reclining seat."
On a bottle of shampoo (Made in Taiwan): "Use constantly to get serious damage to the hair."
On the package of table salt: “Attention! Contains a lot of sodium.
In the instructions for the camera: "The camera can only work when there is film inside."
On the package for the car steering lock: “Attention! Remove the lock before driving."
On a Korean meat carcass knife: "Keep out of reach of children."
On a Japanese food processor: “Attention! Cannot be used otherwise."
On the dog shampoo box: "Do not feed the contents of the bottle to the fish."
Palmolive handwash package says "Do not use as food."
On a bottle of water: “Unscrew the cap and set it aside. Don't put the cap in your mouth."
The unsurpassed pinnacle of creativity of the compilers of instructions can be a poster installed at a small railway station: “Attention! Touching these high voltage wires will cause instant death. Violators will be fined."
America leads in the number of absurd warnings
The leader in the number of absurd warnings are the Americans. This is the conclusion of the German publication Spiegel, who asked its readers to send them samples of various meaningless inscriptions that manufacturers accompany their products in an attempt to protect themselves from possible lawsuits.
Most of the advice below was either found in the US or concerns US products. For example, owners of a hair dryer are warned: "Do not use in a dream." Spiegel also mentions the fact that on Apple's US website, next to two packages of chewing gum illustrating the small size of the new iPod Shuffle, it says, just in case, "Don't eat the iPod" (or, with some modifications on Apple's UK website: "Don't chew iPod"). However, when Lenta.ru's correspondents went to the relevant websites, they did not find any such inscriptions there. They may have been removed from the site.
In one of the American public toilets, the reader found the inscription on the drain tank: "Do not drink water." Another reader living in Washington saw the following message on a window frame in his apartment: "An open window may be dangerous. Ignoring this warning could result in injury or even death."
In addition to the already familiar advice "do not use a lighter in your pants pocket", warnings designed for mentally retarded people are especially common in the manuals for various equipment and devices. For example: "Before you fold the stroller, remove the child from it"; "Don't put chewing gum in the drive"; "Don't use your lawn mower as a pruner."
Especially cynical is the warning for microwave oven owners: "Do not use for cooking live animals." Much more humane advice for housewives: "Do not wash the cat in the washing machine."
Ordinary wax candles were bought in California, which were accompanied by a warning: "For decoration only! May cause a fire when lit."
Food products that pose a particular danger to humans stand apart. The inscription on the bag of nuts: "Allergy warning: contains nuts." Or another option: "May contain nuts." Likewise on a milk carton: "Contains milk"
And perhaps the most serious warning for anyone who decides to cook rice pudding in the microwave: "After heating, the product may be hot."
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