How to competently, culturally and politely refuse a person a request, a loan of money without offending him: words, phrases, dialogue. A colleague, a friend constantly asks for help: how to delicately and correctly refuse? How to refuse a trip without offending a person? Polite Forms
If you're having trouble saying the word "no", you're not alone. Many people periodically think that it would be a good idea to reduce the number of good and important deeds done for others to the detriment of their own cause.
There are at least six reasons why it is difficult for us to refuse a person:
- Sincere desire to help. You want to do something good even for the person who will respond with black ingratitude.
- Fear of appearing impolite. I want to answer only “yes” to someone who has the status and respect of others.
- The desire to be like everyone else. It's hard to say "no" if you know that you will distance yourself from the group. "He who is not with us is against us."
- Fear of confrontation. If you said no, then you will have to explain and defend your position among not the most friendly people.
- Fear of missed opportunities. It is difficult for you to say “no” if, if you agree, serious prospects await you, even if you have to give up something valuable in the process.
- Fear of breakup. Some people do not understand the word "no" - for them it means that the relationship is destroyed.
If you have noted for yourself at least one of the reasons why you constantly agree with what you do not like, then your mind is filled with false beliefs that you will have to get rid of.
After all, you have your own priorities and needs, and it would be a mistake to assume that other people will solve your questions and problems for you. By saying no, you give yourself the opportunity to mind your own business and, as a result, improve the overall result.
The main difficulty in saying no is to maintain a good relationship with the people who are important to you. Therefore, it is necessary to say “no” as correctly as possible. At the same time, you must remember that in some cases you have the right to say "no" simply because you do not like something. Without explaning the reason.
- "Unfortunately, I can't help you, very busy schedule"
This form of rejection is good if you are too busy. This will allow your opponent to determine the degree of your workload, and not bother you once again. - “At this moment, this and that happens to me, I cannot stop this process. A little later I may be able to help you."
For example, you are downloading a file or having an important conversation with someone. Naturally, you cannot quit this activity until you are done. - "I would like to do this, but..."
There are two mutually exclusive points here. On the one hand, you make it clear to the person that you like him and his proposal. On the other hand, explain that you do not have the necessary resources or experience to properly fulfill his request. And no offense! - "Let me think how I can be of service to you"
It's more like "maybe" than "no". Be sure to think about this problem, if promised. Moreover, it is necessary to accurately indicate the time that you need to think. If your participation is really needed, they will definitely wait for you. Or turn to someone else. - “I will keep you in mind if I encounter something like this in my work”
Such a refusal is appropriate when you are engaged in some business, but you assume that your activity may somehow intersect with the theme of the petitioner. And then you can help him on the principle of "both ours and yours." - “I am not the best assistant for you. X would have handled it much better."
You may be asked for help in a matter where you are not fully competent. At the same time, you know who could fulfill the request much better. Why not recommend? - "No I can not"
Refusal without explanation. You always have the right to do so, unless, of course, it is the request of your boss...
And, finally, it is worth adding that refusal is not always a manifestation of non-participation. After all, only those who have the resources to do so can sincerely help their neighbor. The more successful your own affairs are, the more opportunities you have to make someone else happy.
Somehow, you have to figure out for yourself whether you really want to do this. You can only respond to an offer if you have clearly decided whether you need it or not. Tell yourself: “No, I don’t need it!”.
Say "no" to your interlocutor. Don't be afraid to offend the person. If you do everything right, then resentment or obvious anger will not follow. Justify your refusal. Give reasons for which you cannot or do not want to fulfill the request. When speaking, use the pronoun "I" more often. Speak clearly without confusion. No, just argue!
State the reason for the refusal. The reason can be both real and fictional. However, remember that it should be understandable to the interlocutor. He must agree with you and accept your refusal. Don't be rude and don't be harsh. Speak calmly, fix your eyes on the bridge of the interlocutor's nose. A shifty look and uncertainty can make it clear to the interlocutor that you feel uncomfortable, and he will put pressure on you.
Refuse by doing . When refusing, say something nice to the interlocutor. For example, you might say, "Great idea, but...". A person must understand that you want to fulfill his request and, if it weren’t for the circumstances, you would definitely fulfill it.
Repeat your denial. Psychologists say that a person needs to hear a refusal three times before he realizes that it is no longer possible to obtain consent. Be. Answer all persuasions with a firm refusal. Be calm and control yourself.
Train with friends. Ask a friend to pester you with a request. Refuse him. Ask him to point out your shortcomings and mistakes when refusing: a shifty look, an uncertain voice,. Over time, rejection will be much easier for you.
Helpful advice
Remember: when you refuse a person, you are not deliberately offending him, but you are doing what you need.
Sources:
- Encyclopedia of Practical Psychology
Instruction
You should start simple - be aware of the problem. Without this, it will be impossible to change the situation. Try to understand how selfless your relationship is. If analyzed, it is not difficult to see the motives that drive your friend, loved one or colleague.
Try to identify the moments that seem suspicious to you, and then gently and tactfully close in any little thing. After that, watch his reaction. If a person does not pay special attention to what happened, nothing threatens your relationship. But if a person shows and tries to get something from you again, it’s better to tune in in advance for a quick break
It often happens that people have to do what they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from relatives, friends, colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant assignments and how to learn to refuse people? In fact, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to heed the recommendations of experienced psychologists.
Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth putting yourself in such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse the asking person?
First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague really needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the execution of duties that are unpleasant for him onto other people's shoulders. If we are talking about a task with which the asker can perfectly cope on his own, spending a little more time and effort, you just need to rid yourself of guilt.
They ask for a favor, as a rule, those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to bring everything to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this, except for those who have not managed to correctly plan their time and effort to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you owe nothing to anyone and put your interests in the first place.
Ability to handle different forms of rejection
There are several simple ways that can help how to refuse a person culturally and at the same time not offend him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this is true. In some cases, a friend or colleague may go further and ask for a favor “for the future”, that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not to give instant consent, but to warn: it is possible that after the end of the first case you will have a second, third, and so on.
If the asker is especially persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” It's called "the right way to kill two birds with one stone." The acquaintance gets what he asked for; At the same time, you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.
Refusal does not mean offending
In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses and explanations of the reasons - when an unfamiliar or not too close person makes a request. In such situations, even to apologize is not necessary, especially when it comes to some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask for an explanation of the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not report to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I cannot help you due to personal reasons” is allowed, without detailed explanations.
When someone close asks for a service, of course, it is more difficult to answer the request in the negative, but here there are several options for how to refuse a loved one and at the same time not offend him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that you are asked, or you are afraid to solve the problem badly, incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, and competence. Educated people will never impose a difficult case and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.
The main thing is not to succumb to persuasion
Sometimes the asker tries in every possible way to persuade him to agree - by persuasion, entreaties, and even blackmail. It is worth going on about once, and you will forever open a "loophole" that unscrupulous acquaintances will use. With such people, you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think about your feelings at all, and about what they can make you uncomfortable.
Psychologists even single out such a moment that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.
Deny…temporarily
Of course, not all requests should be denied; it is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others from truly important appeals. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately find out how difficult and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, to refuse a person, but temporarily. It is enough to say that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think over all the details of the request and make the right decision.
If it turns out to be simple enough, you can meet halfway, but when it comes to an unpleasant or too difficult issue, you can again culturally refer to employment or directly declare unwillingness to help, as this will take too much time and effort, so necessary for solving their own issues.
Video answer on the topic "How to refuse and not become an enemy" from the program "Success"
Partial "no"
Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walking with friends, activities with children, meeting loved ones. For those who cannot instantly turn from a universal "assistant" into a person who can tactfully refuse, experts recommend learning to do it gradually.
For example, when a neighbor asks her to walk her dog, there are three possible responses for “beginners”:
- only on certain days of the week
- only in good weather
- no more than 15 minutes
On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other hand, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.
What about "yes"?
It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just do not at the same time "put yourself on the neck" of everyone who wants to receive gratuitous and high-quality assistance. It is always necessary to put your own desires and priorities in the first place, and even in those cases when one of your friends was offended by being refused, this does not mean that you are a bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or comrade communicated with you, solely for his own benefit. Appreciate your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!
MENSBY
4.6
Many take advantage of your kindness, and when you refuse, they accuse you of terry selfishness and heartlessness? Living the life you want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.
There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. This property of their character is attributed by many to the virtues of a person, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “failsafe” in order to throw some of their problems onto him.
However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?
People who can't say no often don't have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they may at best expect a dubious compliment as a thank you for their dependability.
A vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life has almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.
Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the “failsafe” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of terry selfishness and heartlessness.
There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.
Why are people afraid to say "no"?
People who fulfill other people's requests against their will, most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they don’t like at all.
So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.
Often people, when refusing, say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. And indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relations, etc.
Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.
How to politely refuse?
When we say no, we often make enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take on the fulfillment of burdensome obligations. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude form. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss it."
When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:
this word can protect against problems;
can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.
There are several simple ways to politely decline, which show that this task is within the power of everyone.
1. Outright refusal
Some people believe that when refusing something, it is imperative to state the reason for the refusal. This is an erroneous opinion. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the asker hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincere often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.
Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the rejection by saying: “No, I can’t do it”, “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t have time for this”.
If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirade. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no”.
This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.
2. Sympathetic rejection
This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.
For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”
3. Reasonable refusal
This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is also suitable for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.
This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.
It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording so that the asker quickly catches the essence.
4. Delayed rejection
This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone's request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their innocence and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.
Delayed rejection allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.
A reasoned denial might look like this: “I can't answer right now because I don't remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I arranged to meet someone. I need to look at my weekly to be sure.” Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later" etc.
You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.
5. Compromise refusal
Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions for assistance - what and when we can and what not.
For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."
If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.
6. Diplomatic refusal
It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.
For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.
In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on someone else's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to "play with one goal", who believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.
I can't refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually, all my attempts to politely refuse and at the same time not hurt the person end either with resentment or with the phrase “well, I’ll see what can be done.” The most extreme case - This . I don't know if a lie is small, good or half true. This is an even more difficult question.
constantly deceive - not a very good way out, which in the end will still lead to a conflict, since you will finally get confused and lie.
How to refuse your boss, who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives so that they are not offended? How do you let your friends know that you can't help them right now?
In fact, there are a lot of options, we just don't know about them.
Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now.
With the phrase “this sounds very tempting”, you make it clear to the person that his offer is of interest to you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.
A beautiful refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives, it will do it once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other recreational activities.
Remember, once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. Suddenly you like it?
But for people you don't see that often, this answer is perfect.
I'm sorry, but the last time I did this or that, I had a negative experience
Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do what he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time will be better?!”.
Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” do not work.
But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you could not be in society all day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Grandma, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into a cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of him!”.
I'd love to, but...
Another good way to say no. You would love to help, but unfortunately you can't at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.
First, starting to explain something in detail, you gradually begin to feel. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to cling to something in your story and persuade you.
Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic "I would love to, but you understand, I need to do ...".
To be honest, I'm not very good at this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this
This is by no means a translation of the arrows.
If you've been asked to do something or help with advice, and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really understands it? So you will not only not offend a person, but also show that you care and you are trying to help in any way you can.
I can't do it, but I'll be happy to help with…
On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - still help and at the same time choose what you want to do.
You look great, but I don't quite get it
What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, does not really suit her. Here the dilemma "who is more friend" arises. - the one to tell the truth, or the one to say she looks great in all the outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of an apartment, work and life partner, after all.
But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, well-known designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.
And if not? Then either say everything as it is, if you are sure of the adequacy of a girlfriend or friend, or transfer the arrows to some celebrity from the world.
It sounds great! But now, unfortunately, I have a very tight schedule. Let me call you...
This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're really not in a position to help. So you not only do not offend the person, but also leave for yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.
Even at lectures on psychology at the university, we were taught that it is necessary to refuse, starting a sentence with the word “yes”, and then adding the notorious “but”.
It works, though not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to play around for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.
But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are just lazy or you do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and you will definitely you can, but a little later. In the end, people must learn to respect you and your opinion. As well as you - someone else's.